How to Make and Keep Good Friends
Narcissism. I watched Jada Pinkett smith’s red table talk where she had a psychologist as a guest. Dr Ramani Durvasula shared the traits of a narcissist and In the spirit of becoming a better friend to my friends, I found myself hoping I’m not a narcissist. We think of someone who is so self-absorbed that they make everything about them, and while I don’t think I do, I did check a box or two while watching the programme. In the end, I concluded that I need to stay on that path to becoming a better, less self-absorbed person generally. I truly believe we were created to fulfil a specific purpose on earth. And purpose has to tick two boxes. One, glorify God and two, help others. And in the process of living out your purpose, you are transformed into the person worthy of carrying it. Whatever your purpose is, you have everything you need inside you to fulfil it. My favourite example of purpose is Nick Vujicic of Life Without Limbs. He was born with no arms or legs yet daily he fulfils his purpose of breaking barriers and crossing boundaries to lead people to the love of Christ that he has experienced. Nick has reached countries in a way that many haven’t. We cannot deny that what many will call impossible, he has managed to do, missing limbs notwithstanding because he has all he needs inside him. So when we think that what we need to thrive in our purpose, we already carry inside us, we also need to believe that we are surrounded by physical resources to help us fulfil it. One of those resources is the friends you keep. In the previous hot episode of Toxic Friendships, we looked at examples of how the wrong person in your life can sabotage your growth, for example. In the same vein, the right people can help you in phenomenal ways. Episode 11 was about the Value of a good friend and I shared three examples of friends that have been instrumental in where I stand today. So how can we attract the right people in our lives? Let’s look at why you must have good friends. First of all, your environment feeds your mind. You cannot underestimate the rate of absorption by the mind. The mind takes in information you are not even aware is present. If you are serious about personal growth and mindset changes, you have got to cull your environment. Know who is saying what and when they are most likely to say it. Curate Your Environment Years ago during the recession I was navigating a fledgling business and trying to stay positive in the process when I got a call; “Toks, you came to mind because I wanted to know how business was doing.” “Well, every day we keep pushing forward. Anyway we are coming to the end of the recession so our only option is going up from here.” “No, haven’t you heard? It’s about to get worse!” “Well even if it does, I don’t think my industry is badly affected.” “Ah Toks, in fact they have said its your specific market that will be hurt the most.” I started sweating. She was gaining ground. “I continued weakly, well, even if that’s the case, one day it will end.” “Yes of course it will, but the question is will you survive until then? Do you have a plan B?” She won. I didn’t have a plan B. I didn’t know what I’d do if the business folded. I had tried not to think about it but this woman brought it firmly to my attention. So the next time there was a crisis and she called, I sent her to my voicemail. I typically do this when in a vulnerable place and trying to stay grounded. You have to know what conversations to hold with whom and when. On the other hand, if you have friends that constantly remind you of your abilities you cannot see, you are in good company. Because while I believe we should make decisions and draw conclusions from our spirit, which is one with God, we sometimes reach for our emotions to affirm us. So if I don’t feel capable, I might not attempt the task. You need friends who can see your brilliance and describe it to you when you’re in the dark. That person doesn’t have to be a friend, it can be a mentor or a coach, your spouse or even a coworker. Good Friends are an Extra Pair of Eyes (and hands) Another reason you need good friends is they can point out obstacles on your path before you see them. They can be an extra pair of eyes for you. I have stories of when friends warned me about a danger I couldn’t see. Back in secondary school, my friend Ifeayinwa once whispered an examination tip to me. It was maths exam and our teacher famously made all the correct answers except one, C. It was multiple choice with options A to E. Of Course if you found all your answers were C, you’d be thrown off at how ridiculous it was. So my friend walked past me to get some paper and whispered to each of us- her friends, as she went past “numbers 1 to 7 C!” In boarding school, there were times my friends warned me about a plot by a senior or staff member to punish our class or hostel so we all had the opportunity to escape. Good Friends Help You Fight Good friends can help you fight when you are weak. Fighting can mean looking after you when you are ill or bereaved, speaking up for you in your absence or making you look good when you don’t. Be the Friend You want to Have Living from the inside out will lead you to connect with the right people. Last year I began to desire a different type of circle of friends. I have my ride or die chicks, and
