The Power Of Perspective: Seeing Neutrality In Every Challenge
In our latest episode of the Living Inside Out podcast, we explore the concept that circumstances in themselves are neutral, and it is our thoughts about them that shape our emotional responses…
Peek Into The Latest Tales And Triumphs
Life has been a whirlwind of work and personal commitments, but I’ve missed our connection, and I am excited to catch up with you.
Why New Year Resolutions Fail
Have you been wondering if your new year resolutions will last? It’s the start of 2023, and we are surrounded by more inspiration and motivation than ever. It would appear, actually, that we are in an incubator, and you may be feeling unbelievably optimistic. Or perhaps you feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable as you struggle and fail to get into the new year, new me vibe. If that’s you, you’re not alone. Reasons New Year Resolutions Fail There are some obvious reasons why new year resolutions fail. New Year resolutions often fail because of a lack of motivation, planning, and accountability. Setting big goals at the beginning of the year can be easy, but it can be challenging to stay on track without a plan for achieving them and someone to hold you accountable. Additionally, you can easily forget or get distracted if you lack the solid motivation to make the resolution happen. To increase your chances of success, create a specific plan with achievable, measurable goals and find an accountability partner who can help you stay on track. But some mindsets can set you up to fail, even with meticulous planning and intrinsic motivation. In this episode, I highlight why new year’s resolutions don’t stick. Past failures may be responsible for your reluctance to set new goals if you are wondering, and I share reasons you might want to step back from all the goodness of motivational gurus, at least for now. Mindsets to Adopt to Avoid Failing You want to avoid motivation overwhelm. Too much food, even when healthy and delicious, will leave you feeling uncomfortable and unable to enjoy the benefits. You risk embracing solutions to a problem you don’t have;’ this will lead you to subconsciously create the problem, so the solution you adopted will be effective. As usual, I share stories from my life; I hope you will leave this episode feeling less burdened, less overwhelmed and with no judgment on how you have chosen to navigate this season and set your new year resolutions. Resources The Temptation of Eve Get Unstuck in 2023 Let’s Connect: Have you subscribed to this podcast? Why don’t you do so on your favourite podcast app? Then head to Youtube.com/toksaruoture to watch and subscribe to my show, Living Inside Out. I would LOVE to connect with you on social; let’s stay in touch at toksauoture.com and hang out on Instagram- @toksaruoture and on Facebook, Living Inside Out.
How to Make and Keep Good Friends
Narcissism. I watched Jada Pinkett smith’s red table talk where she had a psychologist as a guest. Dr Ramani Durvasula shared the traits of a narcissist and In the spirit of becoming a better friend to my friends, I found myself hoping I’m not a narcissist. We think of someone who is so self-absorbed that they make everything about them, and while I don’t think I do, I did check a box or two while watching the programme. In the end, I concluded that I need to stay on that path to becoming a better, less self-absorbed person generally. I truly believe we were created to fulfil a specific purpose on earth. And purpose has to tick two boxes. One, glorify God and two, help others. And in the process of living out your purpose, you are transformed into the person worthy of carrying it. Whatever your purpose is, you have everything you need inside you to fulfil it. My favourite example of purpose is Nick Vujicic of Life Without Limbs. He was born with no arms or legs yet daily he fulfils his purpose of breaking barriers and crossing boundaries to lead people to the love of Christ that he has experienced. Nick has reached countries in a way that many haven’t. We cannot deny that what many will call impossible, he has managed to do, missing limbs notwithstanding because he has all he needs inside him. So when we think that what we need to thrive in our purpose, we already carry inside us, we also need to believe that we are surrounded by physical resources to help us fulfil it. One of those resources is the friends you keep. In the previous hot episode of Toxic Friendships, we looked at examples of how the wrong person in your life can sabotage your growth, for example. In the same vein, the right people can help you in phenomenal ways. Episode 11 was about the Value of a good friend and I shared three examples of friends that have been instrumental in where I stand today. So how can we attract the right people in our lives? Let’s look at why you must have good friends. First of all, your environment feeds your mind. You cannot underestimate the rate of absorption by the mind. The mind takes in information you are not even aware is present. If you are serious about personal growth and mindset changes, you have got to cull your environment. Know who is saying what and when they are most likely to say it. Curate Your Environment Years ago during the recession I was navigating a fledgling business and trying to stay positive in the process when I got a call; “Toks, you came to mind because I wanted to know how business was doing.” “Well, every day we keep pushing forward. Anyway we are coming to the end of the recession so our only option is going up from here.” “No, haven’t you heard? It’s about to get worse!” “Well even if it does, I don’t think my industry is badly affected.” “Ah Toks, in fact they have said its your specific market that will be hurt the most.” I started sweating. She was gaining ground. “I continued weakly, well, even if that’s the case, one day it will end.” “Yes of course it will, but the question is will you survive until then? Do you have a plan B?” She won. I didn’t have a plan B. I didn’t know what I’d do if the business folded. I had tried not to think about it but this woman brought it firmly to my attention. So the next time there was a crisis and she called, I sent her to my voicemail. I typically do this when in a vulnerable place and trying to stay grounded. You have to know what conversations to hold with whom and when. On the other hand, if you have friends that constantly remind you of your abilities you cannot see, you are in good company. Because while I believe we should make decisions and draw conclusions from our spirit, which is one with God, we sometimes reach for our emotions to affirm us. So if I don’t feel capable, I might not attempt the task. You need friends who can see your brilliance and describe it to you when you’re in the dark. That person doesn’t have to be a friend, it can be a mentor or a coach, your spouse or even a coworker. Good Friends are an Extra Pair of Eyes (and hands) Another reason you need good friends is they can point out obstacles on your path before you see them. They can be an extra pair of eyes for you. I have stories of when friends warned me about a danger I couldn’t see. Back in secondary school, my friend Ifeayinwa once whispered an examination tip to me. It was maths exam and our teacher famously made all the correct answers except one, C. It was multiple choice with options A to E. Of Course if you found all your answers were C, you’d be thrown off at how ridiculous it was. So my friend walked past me to get some paper and whispered to each of us- her friends, as she went past “numbers 1 to 7 C!” In boarding school, there were times my friends warned me about a plot by a senior or staff member to punish our class or hostel so we all had the opportunity to escape. Good Friends Help You Fight Good friends can help you fight when you are weak. Fighting can mean looking after you when you are ill or bereaved, speaking up for you in your absence or making you look good when you don’t. Be the Friend You want to Have Living from the inside out will lead you to connect with the right people. Last year I began to desire a different type of circle of friends. I have my ride or die chicks, and
Growth: I don’t want your business card
I attended a business event a couple of months ago with a friend- also a female business owner. Just as we were about to leave, we got chatting with a new contact and I did something that I wouldn’t have done a year or two ago. My friend asked for our acquaintance’s business card, but I didn’t ask for one too. I used to hate networking because I felt inadequate amongst those I was convinced were killing it in business. It didn’t help, too, that a friend was masterful at collecting business cards and arranging meetings with desirable contacts- from CEOs of top companies to PAs of the CEOs. You see, I believed everyone else knew what they were doing, and I was the one stumbling along. Now, because I dig deep into my mind and regularly write what I discover, I found out that my need to request contact details was a sign of insecurity. I didn’t trust that I had treasures inside me, I felt I needed to get close to those who seemed to be succeeding so that I too, could flourish. I once read a post in a business group where Warren Buffet was the subject. One of the commenters shared with us what he would do if he had an opportunity to have dinner with Mr Buffet, or got stuck in the lift with him. “I will ask for his morning routine, I will ask for his top three tips. I will pay to spend dinner with him so I can pick his brains.” I couldn’t echo any of what this person said, I had no idea what mind-blowing business questions I would ask Warren Buffet if I were stuck in a lift with him. Growth is being okay with not yearning for the words or company of a guru. I believe we can learn from others, and it’s beneficial to build your network, but here’s more. It’s even better to have the guts to follow through on your ideas. The entirety of your success does not lie in a celebrated man or woman. They have their secrets buried inside them, just like you and I have ours planted inside us. Growth means digging deep to uncover the treasures that God placed in you, instead of looking for it in the people you admire. The old Toks would have felt she was missing out on a crucial connection because my friend saw something in our new acquaintance that I didn’t recognise. Not all connections are necessary, save the request for the ones that are. I walked away after a pleasant conversation and felt no need to ask for his card. Personal growth does not always announce itself. It shows up in seemingly insignificant moments like these, but you wouldn’t recognise it if you are not looking. What business or career tactic did you use in the past that you now see as irrelevant?
