Did you know that the people in your circle influence the decisions you make?

Taking time to inspect your environment and how it is feeding you is crucial, and your relationships form a large part of your environment. In this episode I share, some of my experiences with friendships that have had a limiting effect on me. The stories are true but the names are fictitious. You may find some of these rates in a relative, co-worker or even yourself- as I did.    

Toxic Friend #1 Passive-Aggressive Porsha 

My first Porsha was in secondary school. The day the friendship came to an end was when she borrowed my shoes and refused to give them back. I demanded that they are returned and she threw them at me in anger. In all fairness, we were only 12 or 13 so you can just imagine these little people squabbling 🙂 I was made to feel guilty for requesting that which was rightfully mine.

Emotional manipulation is one of the traits of the passive-aggressive friend. The second Porsha had a habit of putting me down in public, and she would do so with a joke. She would wrap an insult neatly inside a joke so that everyone else saw the joke and laughed, but I felt the sting of the insult. So it wasn’t obvious to anyone that she was hurting my feelings. I was in my thirties and we had been friends for a long time. Toks you need to be more gracious. I told myself. More accepting. More mature.

The friendships that had been modelled for me, were simply beautiful. My mum has always had strong, kindhearted and admirable women as friends and I was only ever exposed to healthy friendships. The loyalty and love between them filled the space they were in. I have never heard my mum get into a verbal exchange with her friends. Her friends were my aunties and I felt safe with them.

So when Porsha number two started her antics- usually in front of a crowd of mutual friends, I thought I simply needed maturing. But life and its challenges can have a clarifying effect on our mind. The day my mind cleared up was the day I ended the friendship. I had been through my storm and was making my way out when I thought, I have enough attack coming from situations I have no control over, and you, I can control. So no more.  I wrote a poem and posted it on my blog- I used to write a blog back then called Pawpaw and Mango which was a puree of crazy funny life as a mum and hopeful entrepreneur.  

So long dear friend. Its been a long ride but the bus stops here.It’s the toxic fumes of constant sarcasm. The poisonous gases of derision and ridicule.Then there’s the pungent smell left after a jibe meant to embarrass.I hope I didn’t bore you during our ride. I hope I was a blessing and in some way positively impacted your life.I hope when we do meet again time would have bred respect in place of familiarity.I hope when we meet again we can still be friends. 

That part about familiarity was one that stood out. I believe she was taking me for granted and had no respect for me because she knew me too much- and not because I had secrets that I didn’t want to be revealed, but it was because if you have insecurities and you get close to your target, you notice the ordinariness of them and your goal becomes to tear them down so you stop feeling less.

People like Porsha carry a sense of insecurity and they use others as a step stool to lift themselves higher. In other words, they have a mindset that tells them they are inferior to others, so they try to level the playing field by bringing others down so they can feel superior. 

It would be years later before I met a third Porsha. This one, I didn’t see coming. I would go as far as saying she concealed that aspect of her character until I got comfy enough to let my guard down. Smart girl, but soon the jibes started. It looked eerily familiar and this time, I wasn’t here for that so I ended the friendship.  

I did some research into this particular type of toxic friendship and came across an interesting article by Professor Preston Ni. One of the traits he named was Disguised Verbal Hostility. Sounds very much like my second and third Porsha. Here’s a real example- “wow Toks, your hair looks nice today, what’s going on?” Or, “Are you okay? You look stressed.” One day I got a phone call- she’d seen me in town but we missed each other. It was a wonderful day. I was having a good one. And her conversation was; “I just saw you, you looked worried. What’s the matter?” I was actually happy. But those words caused me to feel so uncomfortable. 

Another trait that Prof. Ni mentions is victimhood. This surprised me because I wouldn’t have named that a passive-aggressive trait. Once, I spent two hours listening to her woes. I was frustrated because she rejected any suggestions to think or see things differently. All my encouragement didn’t help. She didn’t even let me get a word in. She was incredibly draining and I felt she had vomited over me. I still dodge when I see her in my local Tesco. 

In line with my father’s belief that people are basically good, I believe there are people who can be really good friends with these women, and even help them overcome their insecurities, but I wasn’t the one. So I never dismiss people who are toxic to me, I don’t see them as hopeless, or bad, I just let them go so that the persons meant to connect with them can find them.  

Toxic Friend #2 Opinionated Olivia 

Since friendships are made up of two or more people, we cannot ignore the role our personality plays in forging that relationship. I believe there are some combinations that just won’t work. And it might not even be a personality trait issue, it could be a mindset issue. Case in point. Olivia and I had been friends for over a decade. We were there for each other and you know, spent a lot of time together. The friction commenced when I started my living authentically journey. First I noticed undesirable traits in me which I began to work hard to turn around.

Olivia also shared some of these traits- which may have even formed the basis of our friendship. So I guess the friction came about as I wrestled against emotions, mindsets and viewpoints that I had a growing dislike for- which she also exhibited. In many ways, I was disassociating myself from the behaviour I no longer wanted to carry out. So our increasingly different mindsets meant I was in a place where I kept having to fight irritation, and that wasn’t easy. We didn’t get into arguments- but I’d arrive home reliving the conversation and getting irritated all over again.  

I believe in setting boundaries,  I also see my friends as concentric circles, some are closer than others but it was the wrong mindsets that made me push this circle all the way out.   I was in a place of introspection one morning, trying to make sense of why even though I knew what to do, I didn’t. I’d plan my day meticulously, be all fired up, get to work and do everything except what was on my list. I had mastered the art of being busy but unproductive.  

So I applied the principle of intention, as shared in episode 5 and dug deep to uncover what was really behind my actions- or rather inactions. Here’s what I found. That I had become so reliant on Olivia’s opinion that I couldn’t make my own decisions. Over the years without meaning to, I leaned heavily on her for advice and affirmation of my ideas. And she, on the other hand, wanted to dominate and see her ideas expressed. I think that’s a control issue. Wanting to be the driver of other’s actions.

Here’s the thing: if you have not yet grown to have confidence in your ideas, a friendship with Olivia will hold you back. When I stopped giving her access to my mind, the seeds she sowed over the years started to germinate. I could hear her criticism even without being in a friendship with her. So by continuing to tolerate a toxic friendship, you are delaying your own breakthrough. The toxicity in this is two-fold:

1. A personality that wants to use others to feed their ego as they impose their ideas. 
2. A personality that wants to express her own ideas, but is not bold enough to do so without being approved by others.  

I, of course, was number two. I provided the platform for number one to be. So I couldn’t be mad at her for taking the advantage that was offered to her. I believe our emotions drive our actions and sometimes we don’t make friends with a person, we make friends with what we hope will stabilise our insecurity or emotional concerns. The responsibility is ours to untie any hang-ups and remove any baggage we may be carrying so we don’t attract the personality that needs the baggage to survive.  This means we must prioritise the removal of our limiting beliefs.

And this is why I decided to launch a parallel career in public speaking and mindset coaching, and I have been in training for the past six months on how to do just that. So to some, this might sound crazy. Growing two careers side by side while giving equal attention to both- because you know I have my baby furniture company and I am a nursery interior designer- that is one business. And my coaching and speaking platform is a second one. But that’s what happens when you peel back layers of limiting beliefs that have been hiding your superpower. Your gifts all start to rise to the top. And when they do, they fill up the space that your stretching created.  

A friendship with an Olivia can survive so long as both parties maintain their positions, you know, hold on to their limiting beliefs. The friendship can survive too if both choose to remove those mindsets and grow together.  But I love what Steve Harvey said. You can’t take everybody with you. This was a significant statement that gave me the resilience to set new boundaries for Olivia.  And this statement also applies if you are friends with a Rigid Rita.  

Toxic Friend #3 Rigid Rita

Rita is close-minded and allergic to growth. She is probably loyal and kind-hearted, but her reluctance to grow will hold you back. We live in a time where things are changing at a rapid pace. You have to be aware of changes going on in the world if you are going to be doing business with anyone outside your family. Ritas simply do not believe in evolving and in the end, it will be like running a two-legged race while your partner walks or stands still. She might be your super-spiritual sister who needs to seek God’s face on whether she should shower at 6am or 6:05.

Now, can you imagine being fiercely loyal to a friend who does not embrace growth? You too will not grow. I mentioned in episode 4 about how I relied so much on the opinions of others and how it tended to happen when I loved or admired the person. I’m not saying you should not be a loyal or loving friend, but if you are moved by emotions, in other words, if your decision making is largely influenced by how you feel, the lines between logic and friend loyalty will become blurred. You run the risk of confusing disagreement with disloyalty and if you are dealing with a passive-aggressive person who uses manipulation, you are in a bit of trouble. 

Toxic Friend #4 Competitive Clarissa

This lady here has used you as the template for her advancement. When you turn right, she must turn right twice. She cannot behove the thought of you doing better than her. She may not deliberately try to drown you, but if you are drowning, she’d help you out, then go on to blame you for falling into the river in the first place. She may put down your appearance, or look for ways to one-up you. I know someone that one-up’s every conversation- even if you are talking about illness or tragedy. You are trying to unburden on real issues, and she responds with ‘my issue is bigger and more significant than yours.’  

Toxic Friend #5 Loose-Lipped Lolita

You better not share any secrets. Here’s a general rule. Anyone who will gossip about their friend is already talking about you. I had a personal experience of this a few years ago. This person talked dirty about her friends, many of whom I had never met. And I eventually got to meet them, only for the love and kisses and hugs to be in full flow. Hm. You would not have believed that these were the same people she spoke so bitterly about. Unfortunately, I already had my opinions about these women and just couldn’t see past the negativity my friend had shared with me. Oh, and word came back that she did to them, she did to me too.  

Toxic Friend #6 Ursula the User

Ursula can only be reached when she wants something from you- Ursula is that girl that is perpetually busy but has time to call you for financial help or to obtain emotional support. She calls to pick your brains and ask for advice. All of which is fine. But when you have a need, she is so sorry but unavailable to help. There’s another side to Ursula which I noticed. She will use you to lift herself out of her insecurity. Your self-doubt is fuel as she thrives on encouraging you. The minute your confidence is restored and you start to know your power. Hmm. The minute you start to utilize your gift, and you have no use for their shoulder; they’re gone. They have no more use for you. Do you know an Ursula? I have been at the disadvantaged end of this. It took years to label it for what it was. And that’s something we do. The love we have for others may stop us from admitting the truth of their behaviour to ourselves. My friend Suzy always tells her daughter, my goddaughter that if your friends don’t want to play with you, don’t fret. There are 7 billion people in the world.  What is your friendship game like? What does your circle look like? I believe the people in our circle can influence how we think and therefore what we do. Your life- whether it is good or evolving is the result of your environment because your environment feeds your mind. 

I would like to read your thoughts on this post and podcast episode. Have you had a toxic friend before? How did you navigate the relationship?

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References:10 signs of a Passive-Aggressive Relationship