How to Handle Intense Emotions
I am learning to experience an emotion without letting it drive my actions. And it is weird because the mild feelings are easy to control, but not so easy to recognise. While, the intense emotions are smack in our faces, but can drive our behaviour- unless we get a handle on them.
Joy or Pain: Emotional Decision Making
My sons had been asking for a pet for years. They wanted a dog, a cat or anything that wasn’t human. My husband isn’t fond of cats- to put it mildly so that was out. We all love dogs but I knew walking them and caring for them would end up becoming my responsibility and that wasn’t an option for me. Listen to Episode 6, Emotional Decision making: https://mcdn.podbean.com/mf/web/tjr4e2/EmotionalDecisionMaking.mp3 One day, through a series of seemingly unrelated events, I ended up buying a pair of bunny rabbits for them. It was surreal. I haven’t had a pet for decades, and to make it even more interesting, they had no clue I was going to do this! You should have seen their faces! We were all supposed to go on a family trip to watch #2 play in a match- but #1 dropped out. He wanted to stay with the rabbits. The reason it took a long time to finally make my children’s dream come true was that I was trying to save them from pain. The pain that comes when you lose a pet. You see, I had several of those growing up. I remember the tears and the hopelessness that the finality of death brings. I was not interested in exposing my kids to that. What I didn’t know, was that by shutting the door to pain, I was also locking joy out- for joy and pain come into our hearts through the same door. When we make decisions solely in response to our emotions, we are leaving the outcome to chance. The more I thought about the role joy and pain play in making my decisions in addition to the subject of intention, the more I realised a hard truth; I used joy or pain as indicators for making decisions. This surprised me because I go on about how flippant emotions are, but did not realise I had upgraded my emotions to a level they had no business being at. Emotions are unreliable and shouldn’t feature in the process of making serious decisions. Think about it. How often do you feel happy about one situation and the joy wears off and it eventually becomes irritation? Between us, the level of happiness we enjoy at having those rabbits fluctuates- it all depends on whether they’re being cute and cuddly or biting through our phone charger cables. On the Living Inside Out Podcast, Episode 6, I share my thoughts on the dangers of making emotional decisions along with some tips on how to change your process. There is, after all, a higher-ranking space that we all have access to where we can draw wisdom from. Listen and share your thoughts too! Have you subscribed to the podcast yet? Subscribe here: Apple Podcasts | Android | Google Podcasts | Stitcher | Spotify | RSS
What is your Hidden Motive? Goals versus Intention
Years ago during a deeply reflective moment, I was seeking answers as to why despite my best efforts in working with a mentor, I still didn’t have the result I wanted in my business. I had a particular goal and two years into working with this experienced CEO, I still hadn’t achieved it. Now, I knew that having the most experienced guide does not guarantee success because regardless of the hand-holding, the connections and knowledge, you still have to do the work. I was doing the work yet nothing. At that moment as I questioned myself, I drilled down and discovered the reason. I had never actually expressed the full picture of what I wanted or where I was with him. The reason? The avoidance of pain. It turned out that when I stacked my relative inexperience against his own wealth of experience when I considered my resources against his, I felt inadequate. I was unwilling to go through the pain of smallness and inadequacy that comes with vulnerability. So I chose the joy that came with him lauding my successes which I highlighted. I understood then that many of my decisions, not just this one, were driven by how much pain it caused or how much joy it brought. If it was too painful, I interpreted it to mean going in the wrong direction. If it brought joy, I did more of it. Without meaning to, many of us have a hidden motive of seeking pleasure and we allow that to be the deciding factor when we arrive at crossroads. From then on, I started to ask a simple question every time I was at a juncture; Toks, what’s your intention? We don’t get what we desire, we don’t get what we say, we get what we intend. There are many decisions we make that shape conversations in a particular direction- and we do this subconsciously. Think of the time someone starts to criticise you. You squirm and you may will the conversation to come to an end or you distract them so the topic is dropped. That’s what we do with discomfort until maturity sets in and the desire for growth exceeds the desire for pleasure. So when we ask with the intention of avoiding pain or embracing joy, we may not be asking for the right things. We will stir our action towards whatever we intend and we end up not getting what we actually desire. Listen to Episode 5 of the Living Inside Out Podcast to discover more about The Principle of Intention. Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | Google Podcasts | Stitcher | Spotify | RSS
Ep #4 Other People’s Opinions
Episode 4 of the Living Inside Out Podcast is about how our ideas become sterile when we graft other people’s opinions onto them. Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | Google Podcasts | Stitcher | Spotify | RSS If you think there’s something off about this animal, you are right. It’s a hybrid. Hybrids are formed when different species mate, the above ‘liger’ is a cross between a lion and a tiger. What’s interesting about hybrids is that they are usually sterile. Two ligers cannot produce a baby liger. Two mules- horse x donkey, cannot produce a baby mule. It’s the same when we shop around for other people’s opinions instead of just running with our ideas. Grafting someone else’s opinion on to your idea will not produce fruit. When I think of many of the women I have had the privilege to speak to, either in a mentorship or advisory capacity, I see in them what I have fought with for a good chunk of my adult life. A lack of confidence in delivering the gift they are already so passionate about. Often when they come to me with their ideas, they are not just seeking a way to get it to market, they are also looking for reassurance or a guarantee that their idea really is a good one. I want to gift you with a truth. Your ideas carry the life it needs to become fulfilled. Remember in Episode one I used the analogy of the orange seed? Inside that seed is everything needed to become a tree. Today your story is being written by others; it’s called other people’s opinion. Don’t follow their script. Write yours and follow it with all the boldness you can muster.
So I Published a Podcast 😊
Yes, I went and released one. It’s called Living Inside Out with Toks. I believe that our environment is the result of actions we have taken, and actions are driven by emotions, while emotions are sparked off by thoughts. If we want to change the circumstance we find ourselves in, we cannot do so by changing the circumstance itself. Rather, we do so from the inside. We live from the Inside out. In each episode, I share the tools I have used to identify and remove my limiting beliefs- mindsets are a source of thoughts and controlling the source will determine the type of thoughts you think. Taking it a step further is exploring the source of our thoughts, and controlling the source will determine the type of thoughts we think. I have mentored a number of women over the years, and a few good men too. There is one truth that runs through us all. Most if not all the challenges, restrictions and hesitation that keep us from moving forward are caused by limiting mindsets which determine our thoughts. So I started the podcast to share some of the tools I have used to unearth those limiting beliefs to help us thrive. The Living Inside Out Podcast is a weekly one, but I have decided to initially release two episodes every week for the first month at least. You can listen here, or anywhere good podcasts are played. Do you have a topic you’d like me to speak on? Send me a message. I would love you to tell me what you think. You can do so in the comments box on the official Podcast Website, you can do so here and of course via email. I do have one favour… please can you rate each episode on iTunes to help Living Inside Out be found by those who need to hear it? I look forward to connecting via voice and hearing from you!
Be Unapologetic: Learning to Live Life on Your Terms
2020 has found an unapologetic, more courageous woman fearlessly doing her thing without concern of what others think.
