Control your mind to control your life
Did you know that your thoughts lead to action? And if we want to decide the direction that our lives take, we must first take control of our mind? The actual order is thoughts >> feelings >> action>> result. We take action (or inaction) based on what we feel. A friend sent me a flyer inviting me to a concert. I took one look at it and decided I’d rather stay home. My decision was borne out of the feeling I had when I considered the cold outdoors and compared it to my warm and cosy home. It wasn’t a difficult choice to make. However, not all decisions can be traced back to feelings or thoughts as quickly as I’ve just demonstrated because sometimes we do things automatically and without the need to contemplate. Habits and mindsets come under this area. At other times we engage the part of the brain that deals with reasoning and thinking. If our thoughts ultimately drive behaviour, then it is crucial that we are to keep tabs on their source. For us to do this, we must consider the two points of access- internal and external. The interior doorways are your spirit, which is connected to God, and your mind, which contains resident thoughts or mindsets. What’s in Your Mind? A mindset is a belief you hold on to because of a repeated or intense thought or experience. For example, a woman who has regularly been betrayed by men may develop the mindset that suggests all men are cheats and cannot be trusted. Mindsets become established when a repeated thought is backed up by experiential or witnessed evidence. In the case of our example, meeting a trustworthy man won’t make a difference. Her mindset will inform her that the potential cannot be trusted. It is essential to examine your mindsets regularly. It is of utmost importance that you identify the source and any evidence to see if it is reliable. The example of the woman above isn’t absolute. Yes, she has had bad experiences, but it isn’t true that all men will betray her. It follows then that just because you can back up your beliefs with fact, it shouldn’t necessarily become a principle that you adopt. What’s in your space? Your external environment can feed your mind in two possible ways; actively and passively. Active learning is just that, choosing the information you want to acquire. Passive learning occurs without conscious awareness. For example, I recently started learning about how different parts of the brain function to aid memory and decision making. This isn’t the sort of information that will passively seep into my brain. I have to concentrate on learning different terminology. On the other hand, passive learning occurs when I mindlessly scroll through social media, or I watch the news- which informs me of the obvious and not so obvious. When we watch the news, we are not just receiving the words they tell us. We are also taking in the tone in which the reader presents it, insinuations and personal opinions – but you are not as aware of it as you would be if you were actively learning. Other examples of receptive learning include conversations with friends and loved ones, advertising and more. Curate your Environment The second half of this year has had me curating my environment. From the physical, i.e. clutter, relationships and conversations, to the emotional- thoughts I think, and more recently, the spiritual. Daily, I see the necessity of doing a regular clearout of our spirit, soul and body; we live in a fallen world, so we cannot afford to be apathetic when it comes to the mind. It is the only way we can change the trajectory of our lives. Do you do a regular clear out of your mind? How do you go about it?
Every Little Step
Can you even believe we are in November?? In recent times I have become mindful of the passage of time. It’s not that I feel I don’t have enough time, you know, that feeling we collectively share of being left behind. That’s not it. Instead, I keep running into reminders of the finite quality of time. We are conscious beings, so we draw conclusions based on what our senses pick up. We do not perceive the passage of time like we do with traffic because time is invisible. Sure, we can see the difference as day turns to night, we can perceive the dawning of a new day, but we do so with the knowledge that there is always tomorrow. So, I find that I always travel back in time to see how I spent it. For instance, on Saturday at a women’s event, I met an old friend. I haven’t seen her in years. Her baby, who I’m yet to meet- is nineteen years old. That was a shocker! My mind started a mental count of all I could have achieved in the past nineteen years. Every Little Step There is plenty to be thankful for. The lesson I am currently learning is the power of little steps. You see, I have an active imagination, I also happen to be the consummate optimist and honestly believe there is little that I cannot do. That said, I struggle with taking small steps. I want to swing for the fences. I want to come up with a business idea and launch it in three and a half hours, lol! Inspiration drives me, and I can go far in fumes. Here is the problem. I’m a great starter, but I am not too fond of the steps that lead from start to finish. Hence, there is a trail of unfinished tasks scattered behind me. Focus on the bigger picture My boutique happens to be on one of the country’s most affluent streets. Many people see it as a huge feat. I hear the comments, and I recognise the surprise in their eyes- friends and strangers alike. This morning, it occurred to me that while I am supremely blessed to have achieved what I have so far, over the last couple of years, I haven’t exactly seen what they were seeing. While well-wishers were going on about the awesomeness that is The Baby Cot Shop, I was busy worrying about all the stuff that comes with being a small business owner. I know and feel the pain; they see and admire the beauty. So I’ve decided to sit back and enjoy the ride because I know how easy it is to be robbed of the joy of living when you focus on the negative. Life Lesson Learned Now I see how both lessons can shape my journey so that I arrive at a glorious future. Accepting challenges as a regular part of business allows me to stop circumventing the small but painful steps. Knowing that time waits for no one will help me see that every second of the day has been pre-assigned to a little action, and wasting it will guarantee I won’t finish the project. My focus on the pain in each step may have stopped me from completing several projects. So here’s my new mantra, a combination of both lessons! Take small steps, and if they hurt, don’t focus on the pain, instead, focus on the big picture. Let’s stay Connected I am passionate about sharing my life lessons. I do so through my blog, as well as social media and of course, speaking engagements. Sign up to receive my newsletter to get behind the scenes of the life event that leads to each lesson I learn. I also plan on restarting Let’s Brunch, due to requests so I will keep you posted!
Gaining Wisdom From Life’s Experiences
Do you collect nuggets of wisdom as you journey on your path? My friend was going through a complicated domestic issue and she boiled down her options to two. She asked me to give her what I’d assumed was my opinion. It turned out that she wanted more than my opinion. She wanted me to tell her exactly what to do, and she would do it. As I pondered on her words, I reached this conclusion; My friend did not have a personal pool of wisdom to pull from. She was a smart woman, and I admired her in so many ways, but on this matter, she had nothing to draw from. It appeared that in the years that she had been going through the situation, she did not collect and store relevant lessons. She did not gain wisdom from her experience, and consequently, there was no reservoir to draw from. When you go through life’s experiences, be sure to collect and save your lessons, just like you do your money. Some lessons are unique to you. There is wisdom that is specific for your own situation, and no one else can offer that to you but yourself. In the end, my words to her were words I’ve told myself when I find myself in a quandary; Sometimes of the two options, none is better. You simply choose which set of problems you’d rather deal with. Do you have a collection of lessons gained from your life’s experiences? Not Tony Robbins’ or Lisa Nichol’s skills, yours? You see, we are all uniquely created works of art. We walk our own individual path, and there are lessons and nuggets of wisdom that are for you alone. These are lessons you meet on your journey. Don’t memorise the occurrence and call it a lesson, instead draw the wisdom that’s tucked into the experience. Gather them as you journey. Tuck them in your back pocket. Not every disagreement should end with a word match. You can have the war of words, but what did you learn? What did you learn about yourself- your thought process, your tendencies, your likes or dislikes? Friends are a great resource but even your closest friend really is travelling on a different route. Life lessons are everywhere, but you have to be intentional about being a student. Next time you find yourself at the end of a rope, don’t be quick to phone a friend or ask the audience. Dig into your bag first to see if there is valuable information to utilize. Thoughts?
Other People’s Opinion: Who is writing your life’s script?
If there is one topic I am sensitive to, it is dealing with other people’s opinion. Perhaps because I offered myself up as a victim for years. I would ask a view from a friend on something I wanted to do, and their response only sought to confuse or paralyse me. Lisa Price sold her company, Carol’s Daughter, to a non-minority firm, and she received a backlash from the African-American community. In an interview, she explained; “People were upset because I had rewritten the narrative that they wrote for me“. I remember the day I realised the story of my life was being written by others. I had shared a business idea with a friend and was very excited about it. It took twenty minutes to explain the details because she kept pushing back and picking holes in it. Then I took my cue from my gut and stopped because I realised she was trying to write my story for me, not out of spite but due to the vantage point she was viewing from. No one knows like you know what you should be doing. Don’t be surprised if those in your circle do not feel your firm conviction- and just because they don’t see things the way you do does not mean they are ‘haters’. If an idea is precious to you, guard it diligently like- in the words of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie- ‘a guinea fowl’s egg’. Ideas are fragile in their infancy and should be treated with great care. Why do we care about their opinion? Other People’s Opinions becomes harmful when it decides the trajectory of your life. When you do not take your cue from your spirit, but instead trust what others think, it is a problem. We all can make decisions that lead us in the direction we should be going, and that ability is something we should develop. Granted, sometimes we need to seek wise counsel, but when you do so, remain in control of your own actions and do not be steered away from your purpose. The day I decided to stop seeking was the day I literally started soaring. My gifts which I had been holding back from using finally bubbled out and I haven’t looked back since. How did we get here? Other people’s opinion can show up in several ways. The most obvious is when you go seeking. We ask because taking on a new venture can be a scary experience. We know about stepping out of our comfort zone, but we don’t want to go alone. So we stall by asking around. Or we ask because we lack confidence in our own ideas. We want to make sure someone shares the burden of our decision with us so they can be jointly responsible should we fail. Some offer their opinion without you asking. These ones do so either out of habit- you have allowed it in the past- or because they genuinely believe you are making a mistake and it’s their responsibility to steer you in the right direction. If you do not draw boundary lines, folks will walk all over areas you don’t want them to. How can you start to trust your own judgement? Change your mindset: Every internal change begins with your thought. There are thoughts you have harboured that have become mindsets, it is those mindsets that filter your decision-making process. If you are going to change the way you process your dreams, you have to change your mindset. You do this by identifying the offending belief, then comparing it with the truth of God’s word to see if it is authentic. Next, you meditate on the truth until it becomes your new mindset. For example, you may believe that you don’t have what it takes to build on the idea you’ve been carrying. The truth is you were born with everything required to fulfil the dreams you have- including the ability to learn what you don’t know. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.~ Phil 4:13 Start Small: Start by taking baby steps. Do you have a habit of running to your friend for every little problem? Begin making those small decisions yourself- knowing that if you fall, you can simply get up and try again. Practice taking responsibility for things that go wrong; it will build your confidence to step into the unknown. Keep a record: Create a bank of evidence. Think back to the times that you have made your own way because there was no one around to help you. Get into the habit of recording such instances, and before long, you would have a repository of courageous moves you have made. This builds confidence as well, but more importantly, it gives you a reserve of life lessons to draw from. You will have your own pool of wise counsel before long. Today your story is being written by others, it’s called other people’s opinion. Don’t follow their script. Write yours and follow it with all the boldness you can muster. Read the article on Lisa Price
The Comparison Trap
How can we avoid the comparison trap? Comparing ourselves to others steals the motivation to do our own thing. One way to avoid the temptation to compare is to be fully informed of your purpose. When you sit back to inspect what you were created to do and measure it against your gifts and abilities, you will be astounded! I believe that along with our purpose is the longing and desire for it to be fulfilled. This means that we only long for what others have when we don’t know what’s inside us. So how do you avoid the temptation to compare?
The Danger of Comparing yourself to Others
Do you compare yourself to others? And if so, do you do so unfavourably? One reason we compare ourselves to others is that our soul craves physical evidence that we are advancing. So it sets the next person up as a standard and measures self against them. If you perceive yourself as ‘better’, it translates to you doing well. If the other person is perceived as being further along, then you must be failing. And so begins the work of convincing yourself that you are doing well. Tactics can range from explaining away their success, for example, “She is lucky, her husband is wealthy“- to discrediting their work – “He isn’t really good at consulting, I can do better.” My advice? Use your purpose as your yardstick, not someone else’s work. Remind yourself that you are not in a race. Pulling someone else down- mentally or verbally does not place you further along on your journey. When you live only skin deep, you tend to use your senses and emotions as tools for moving forward. This isn’t a reliable tool for growth as emotions are in a constant state of change. On the contrary, when you live from the spirit or the core of who you are, your purpose pulls you in the right direction- even if your life appears ineffective. Praying in an understanding addresses the issues that seem to exist. Praying in the Spirit deals with the real thing, what lies beneath. Comparison is like arriving at the scene of an accident on the highway. The emergency services are in attendance, so it is okay to keep driving. But we slow down to stare and in extreme cases, stop to take in the full picture. Comparison slows you down and can even stop you in your tracks. This temptation to compare can be indulgent as it assures us we are progressing even when we are not. During the Oprah Show, the team found themselves in a season where new talk shows were springing up weekly. day. Each episode was more dramatic and attractive to viewers than the last. Oprah’s staff came to her worried about the competition. Her response? “When you’re a horse in a race, you keep your blinders on and just run your race.” I learned not to watch my competitors. I believe that my ability to deliver the finished picture lies within me, not in my competitors. I find keeping tabs on them to be demoralising and distracting. How do you handle the temptation to compare yourself to others?
