Portals
Life gives us portals where we can see the truest version of ourselves with an amalgamation of all our strengths and abilities. These portals only show up once in a while, but you have to be quiet and introspective to see them. If your life is filled with noise and busyness, you will never get to see your own brilliance. You will never do amazing things.
Back to School: Here’s to New Beginnings, Again
I had no intention of going missing in action for this long, can you believe it has been three weeks since my last post? That explains why I am staring at the break I took without knowing I even took one. I hope you have had a lovely summer so far. Mine has been enjoyable, filled with family and friends as we create new memories. I have also been working as that never ends- I don’t want it to 🙂 I am now in a back to school state of mind. The start of a new season has always filled me with hope. As a child, the new year was celebrated loudly. Music and food along with family and friends flowed into and around our home. There was no time restriction from my favourite activity, bike-riding but when my brothers and I got a bit naughty, mummy would say; “What? In the new year? Do you want to start misbehaving already?” So I understood that when I received something new, I had the power to soil it or make it beautiful. That power was mine. Today, I still feel that power. I feel it at the start of a new year. I feel it when I’m about to embark on a new design project or happen on a business idea. I have felt it this week, as my youngest son prepares to start secondary school. With a five year gap between Josh and his older brother, his arrival was a gift to my husband and I. An opportunity to extend childhood’s stay in our home. I didn’t consider it then, but the time would come- and has come- when my first three sons would start to transition into men. That’s where we currently stand. You hear people say they can’t wait to be ‘free’ from the school run, or they are looking forward to their child being independent. For me, it is different. When the boys began their entrance into their teenage years, I found myself grasping at the personification of childhood- Josh, refusing for it to leave. There were times I was sad and even cried. It was an unusual situation, one where I was reluctant to embrace the new season. I didn’t feel I had the power to stain or decorate it. I felt it had already been partially decorated and all I could do was finish the picture in a way that made sense to me. Today as we work on that canvas, we stop from time to time. We hold a corner in each hand and inspect our work critically. Sometimes we grimace at the smudges of paint, at other times we marvel at how well we navigated an intricate area, managing to colour within the lines. I may not have had the power to decide the colours used to paint the portraiture, but I have the power to continue to paint until it becomes satisfactory. Until I deliver my young men as productive members of society who will in turn deliver their unique gifts to a waiting world. What have you been up to?
Energy Stealers: Cognitive Dissonance
Discomfort. The word itself sparks unease like something isn’t quite right. I recently engaged in some brainstorming to expose the energy stealers in my life. Visualisation is a rewarding practice, but it is also important to know what we neither want nor need. My list had cluttered spaces as the first item. I uncovered this because being naturally optimistic and energetic, I am prone to making more plans than I can carry out. That notwithstanding, there are times I have a clear intention to carry out a task immediately I arrive home from work- just a twenty-minute task just before I start dinner. Almost every day in the last few weeks, those plans go awry. I step into my house and literally feel the energy seep out of my pores. A Cluttered Space I noticed that this happened on the days my kitchen looked more like that of a busy restaurant’s. You see, the boys are home on summer break. Number four has developed a penchant for a homemade strawberry milkshake. He has also learned how to prepare a fry-up. Picture all the plates and utensils needed for all the things. Number two, the health aficionado, is home for the holidays too. This translates to weird food combinations and different types of smoothies. I’ll stop here because I’m sure you get the picture. When I visualise my home in the future, I don’t see clutter. I see a physical representation of serenity and peace. This picture has inspired me to resume decluttering. Self-criticism, Unhealthy Thoughts and Unforgiveness also made the list of energy stealers, as did Cognitive Dissonance. There’s a Fight Going On… Cognitive Dissonance is defined in Psychology as the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change. My layman’s definition is when your actions and intentions are not aligned. Here’s a simple example which I shared on a short video on social media: Thought: I will only eat healthy meals. Intention: I feel like buying a tub of ice-cream and eating it in one sitting. These two thoughts existing at the same time cause discomfort within us. So now we have two options. We can either change the thought to agree with the intention or change the intention to agree with the thought. Option one: I don’t really need to eat healthy all the time, I can start next week. Or, I feel great, I’m not exactly overweight so Ice cream, wouldn’t hurt. Option two: I won’t eat the ice cream, it isn’t in line with my diet. Instead, I’ll have a handful of nuts and raisins. As each relatively tasteless nut is tossed in your mouth, you reassure yourself that in the end, it’ll be worth it. We make the decision to narrow the gap between the two so that they are as closely aligned as possible. Once that gap is closed, the unsettling feeling leaves, but you may not get the results you want depending on the option you went for. Misaligned thoughts cause a disquiet within us. It is akin to two people riding a tandem bicycle with each attempting to go in the opposite direction. So how does this affect us? There have been times I chose to close the gap- without considering my ultimate goal. In such cases, I made a rash decision to ease the conflict, assuring myself that I will make up for it in the future. Case in point, a few months ago, I stopped eating bread but my craving shifted its attention to fries. I was unwilling to experience the yearning for my beloved bread, so I pacified it by serving it chips instead. Although the discomfort as it relates to the decision on what to eat ceased, my choice moved me away from my goal. The energy we require for moving forward will end up being used to invoke peace which is what makes dissonance an energy stealer. Even if you are not consciously seeking peace, you may find yourself choosing joy over pain– more on that in the previous post. One way to address the problem Treat your conflicting thoughts the way you would when you’re about to embark on a long drive- with squabbling kids. Before the journey of decision-making begins, deliver a pep talk. Remind yourself that the goal is not to feel at ease but to fulfil your dream, then go on to make the proper decision. How does cognitive dissonance affect you? Read more on the subject at Psychology Today
Becoming Her: Your Future Self is Calling
Last week, I attended an interview because my company, The Baby Cot Shop, has been shortlisted in the category of Retailer of the Year. While I was thrilled for this recognition, something even more invaluable caught my attention. I’ll back up a bit. In my previous post, as I wrote about how I was able to get out of the rut by visualising a better future. I focused on my growth as evidenced by an increase in what was seeable such as a spike in my career and living in my dream home. Today, as I pondered some more on my future, I wondered what my maturity on the inside will look like. What are the invisible traits of my future self? How will my character play out? What attitudes will I display? How will I view life? Probably most sobering; how will others describe me? What will my older, wiser self do? So I started to visualise. I saw her- my older, wiser self doing life with confidence and grace. I listed more adjectives to describe the phenomenal woman I am becoming. As the day progressed, I received guidance and correction from her. I wanted to mindlessly go on social media at one time and she said, ‘I don’t do that.’ I had an opportunity to moan and gripe and she shook her head- “we don’t whine, we create solutions.” The question I found myself asking as I journeyed on was “what will my older, wiser self do?” Meet your Future Self We all have an older wiser self, that’s who we are becoming daily. Have you taken some time to imagine what he or she looks like? Think about it, many of us spend our time visualising our future, and we no doubt imagine ourselves as a better wiser person than we are now. Instead of daydreaming, visualise. The difference? Daydreaming is just wishful thinking with no real plans to become that person. Visualising, on the other hand, invites you to walk on an actual path that leads to the vision you have in your head. Embrace the present and the future Back to the award interview. I walked out feeling energised because I recognised the immense personal growth I have experienced in the past year. You see, this was the second time I had been shortlisted for the award. Exactly a year ago, as I left the interview, I did so with regrets of what I could have said better. I berated myself and replayed the scenario several times each with an improved ending. This year? None of that. Instead, I opened my heart to embrace the present and the future outcome. Now I understand that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and my future will play out exactly as it is supposed to- whether I win the award or not. I am becoming her. Measure your growth What’s interesting to note is that you are in a state of growth- if you weren’t, you wouldn’t be reading a blog on personal growth. I think that we are so used to measuring our growth using visible measuring sticks such as an increased bank balance, a new job title, or a bigger house. The truth is you are growing but probably not measuring it. Take time to compare who you are now to who you used to be. Get acquainted with your future self, then start to walk the path that leads to becoming her. Don’t miss this one! My next post will be on a subject I am currently being gingered by- cognitive dissonance. There are a number of obstacles in life that can be avoided if we look inside us. When I stopped to do so last week, I found a big one lurking which is my need to feel at peace and not deal with disconcerting thoughts. Join me next week, or sign up to receive my newsletter so you don’t miss it! Have a great week!
Visualisation: A useful tool for starting when you feel stuck
Visualisation is a very powerful tool that many successful people use to reach their goals. They paint a vivid picture of the life they want, see themselves achieving it then they re-enact what they saw. Visualisation is the practice of imagining in detail a desired outcome before going on to achieve it. David used this technique to ‘help’ Goliath arrive at his ill-fated death. He could have just flung the stone, but no. He gave the enemy a vivid picture so his mind would capture it. As a man thinks in his heart, so he is. When things are not going as you would like it to, write a vivid picture of a future, better version of your life. Often we dream big but don’t have a clue what the journey between now and then looks like. So we don’t have any breadcrumb trail to follow. Last week, my substandard Monday was just the beginning as my vibe dwindled steadily and by Thursday, I was not useful to myself. I see emotions as sardines in a tin. Negative emotions lie side by side so that when one wakes up, it disturbs the others from their sleep. Disappointment arouses hopelessness, which provokes weariness, which shakes cynicism. It can be any combination of emotions but stop to observe the next time you feel melancholy. It is this picture of emotions in a tin that drives me to halt a bad emotion in its tracks so I don’t end up in a situation I can’t control. But as being human goes, head knowledge doesn’t always translate into practice when you need it. So here’s how I pulled myself out of the apathetic state I found myself in. I wrote out a detailed picture of the life I want for myself and by that I mean a day in my life in full colour. It was like watching a movie and transcribing what I saw: I began with my morning routine. I described the kitchen in my dream home- down to the colour of the work surfaces- as I went to make myself a drink of lemon water. While in the kitchen, I lit a candle- cookies and cream by Yankee candle- then headed to my favourite spot to have my quiet time. I wrote down the colour of the plush throw draped over my floral armchair as I sat overlooking the garden. I saw myself making my selection from the playlist of peaceful worship music as it filled the space in my home so that my brood will awake to a peaceful atmosphere. Their senses will be engaged with the fragrance of the freshly baked cookie candle and their ears will receive the wholesome music of Kirk Franklin or Tasha Cobbs. I added in my workout then picked up my planner to see my agenda for the day. Then I went on to spend the day as scheduled. Engaging my imagination felt so real as I watched my ideal life playing out. My heart rate quickened from excitement while writing because I was living the life I want in that moment and the best part? It wasn’t a fantasy. It happens to be a life that is very much within my reach. This exercise did more than lift my spirits. It was a kick in the butt as I also said to myself; ‘Toks, this will be just a fantasy if your daily actions do not align with your thoughts.” Visualising made me see beyond the dismal place I was in and into my beautiful future. It gave me a visual reminder that I had everything I needed to live the life I desire. Do you know what’s so cool? I already carry our some of the morning activities and I will add more of it now without waiting to live in my dream home or arriving at my career and business goals. That was how the cadence of my week went from “this sucks, I can’t be bothered” to “let’s do this!” All because of the practice of visualisation. If you are facing a similar threat to your day, I encourage you to do the same. It works. Where the mind goes, the man follows. Don’t hold back either. Dream big! Then look at what you can implement today even if it’s as small as picking up a candle or creating a morning playlist- if that’s something you see yourself doing every morning. Now there’s a difference between fantasising and visualisation. I’ll share on that in the next post. One requirement to practice visualisation is to have the right mindset based on absolute truth. Inspiration for this post was taken from David & Goliath. David could have just slung the stone at him, but first he gave his enemy this visual. I believe it was as much for him as it was for David: David replied to the Philistine, “You come to me with sword, spear, and javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies—the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.Today the Lord will conquer you, and I will kill you and cut off your head. And then I will give the dead bodies of your men to the birds and wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel! And everyone assembled here will know that the Lord rescues his people, but not with sword and spear. This is the Lord’s battle, and he will give you to us!” Samuel 17:45 – 47 Have an amazing week!
Dealing with Change: Who Moved my Cheese
Following on from my previous post on The Rock Star Story, the response prompted me to share a transformative book I read some 7 years ago. I was, at the time, still holding on to the past in the hope that somehow the loss we experienced would be reversed. Who Moved my Cheese is an allegory which features four characters and how they deal with change. It is a light hearted and at times humorous book but the story carries a strong message. You will no doubt find yourself in each of those four characters- mice and men. I wouldn’t quite call it an instructional book, even though it is categorised as self-help. It does, however allow you to zoom away from your own life and observe how you handle the challenges that come to stay. In my case, I refused to accept the change. I believed that even though the situation was different, somehow whatever crazy phenomenon that turned my life upside down will turn it back up again. Here are some takeaways: Don’t get too comfortable, change will happen. Expect it by looking out for the signs. Case in point: Life was going perfectly well when the recession moved in on us. I wasn’t expecting it, but the signs were there. Lower sales in the months we should have been thriving. Businesses around us closing down. but I still didn’t read into it. Expecting change does not make you a pessimist, it ,makes you prepared. Have a routine and stick to it. The mice kept to their routine, even when things were going well. Implement systems and never ever deviate, even when momentum has kicked in, don’t slacken off. Is your normal reaction to blame someone for the loss or change? Do you expect someone to take the fall or fix the issue that ‘they’ have caused? One of my earliest life lessons was accepting responsibility for whatever happened in my life- even when it appeared to be the other person’s fault. Blaming others gives them the power to stir your life however they choose. Move quickly. Don’t spend time analysing what you can’t undo. Years ago I received notice that my office rent was going up by 300%. It was so unreasonable that along with the fellow businesses in the building, we formed a group with plans to sue the landlord- there was a lawyer amongst us. In the end the only plans that stood was the landlord’s deadline for the new rent. We had to stop whining about the unfair hike and change the only thing we had control over which was finding a new office. Recognise that you will want to hold onto the past. That isn’t God telling you to hold on, that’s your reluctance to change in action. Don’t live in denial. When a crisis hits and you can’t make sense of it, it becomes easy to leave it to God to rescue you. What are others doing? More experienced, simple looking people? The mice are simple creatures that respond quickly to change. Often the solution to our problem is so simple that we don’t respect it enough to go for it. Learn from experienced folks who may have traveled this road long before you did. Don’t get so cocky with your ground-breaking or trending ideas that you discard the simple, traditional ways of navigating obstacles. Get moving, there is more out there. God has provided a way out of every problem. Fear will show up because you are human. Doubt and uncertainty too. Proceed, nevertheless. I have found that the longer I wait for the storm to pass, the heavier my legs feel. Fear has a paralysing effect on us, convincing the mind that the body cannot move. Overriding that fear happens when you ignore its voice and start to move Mindsets & Emotions. This duo keeps popping up. The Little People (the other two characters) were different from the mice because they were complex creatures. They had emotions and beliefs which made making decisions more difficult than it should have been. Emotions are powerful but make bad leaders. Read previous posts on emotions and another on mindsets. I would love to hear your thoughts on Who Moved my Cheese as well as how you deal with change.
