You are a Rock Star: Rewriting your life story
Your mind is a great scriptwriter. It casts someone else as a hero with abilities you will never have, to do great things you can only dream of. Your mind writes you into the story as the pipe dreamer watching life play out on the stage. We see this on social media. I see it as I scroll. I see one picture and my mind weaves a story of their amazing life, while I physically and figuratively look on. Do you know you have an amazing story? An article I read over 10 years ago changed the trajectory of my life. We had lost everything and were starting from scratch. Along with the loss came shame and embarrassment so when I told my story, I omitted the loss part. Then one day I read an article in Success Magazine. The Rock Star Story In it, two stories were told. One of a woman who graduated from one of the top universities in the country and on the same day landed a job in a highly desirable law firm. She moved to their competitor within two years and in year three, started her own business in a different state. The Sob Story The second story was about a woman who graduated with 3rd class in her first degree, then she worked as a clerk in a law firm – she got the job as a favour- and eventually got fired from that. The lady was lucky to get a job as a cleaner in another firm where she was made redundant and later, homeless. Finally, so she moved in with her aunt and is currently trying her hand at running a business. Both stories as you may have guessed is of the same person. The first version is the upbeat, inspiring rock star story while the second is the discouraging one reeking with hopelessness. Your Rock Star Story The writer of the article ended with an invitation to rewrite your story as a rock star version. I whipped out a plain A4 and a pen and immediately filled both sides with an inspiring story of yours truly. It made me come alive and I preferred this story. I also liked how it made me feel. From that moment on, that piece of paper became my therapy any time I felt discouraged, it helped to remind me of who I was. My story opened doors and has continued to do so. Deciding not to live by my emotions happens to be a daily choice I make. Many choices on how we live need to be made daily. If you live by your emotions you will believe what your feelings define you as. You will also make decisions based not on logic but on feelings which are constantly changing. The result will be a lack of confidence because you don’t know who you are. You won’t have the courage to stick to a plan and will not get the results you hope for. You are not your feelings. Your rock star story will serve as a constant reminder of who you truly are, an amazing individual rich with potential. Grab a pen and some paper! I want to encourage you to write your story. This applies whether or not you have experienced failure, we can always do better.
How to let go of baggage and travel light
When we hear about letting go, it is often used in the context of forgiving past hurt or getting rid of emotional baggage. For example, letting go of a bad relationship or letting go of a bad employee. My journey of dropping old mindsets and embracing the new has opened up my world. For example, I discovered that when you need to carry out a task that you consider to be difficult, all its ancestors arise from the dead and gather around as you attempt this new feat. The difficult becomes impossible and you may procrastinate or worse, quit. The moment you name a task difficult, complex or impossible, it really does become that. The truth is that whatever you encountered in the past, really is in the past. Every new day brings with it new opportunities, new strength, new resources and even new knowledge. The fact that you couldn’t do it previously does not mean you can’t do it now. Let go of the irrelevant I am learning to let go of anything that is irrelevant. Irrelevant does not necessarily mean bad, but it can become heavy baggage that you drag around with you. This, for me, means a whole lot of social media time. Just how many positive quotes does one need in a day? Outfit of the day? How about cute pictures with our preferred hashtags? I’m not saying we should not unwind and catch up with our friends and social media buddies, but even in doing so, don’t carry what you just read around with you if it is not relevant to your future. Let go of the good old days The last few days have had me questioning where my hopes, dreams and inspiration come from. During a soul searching moment, I realised that many of my dreams have had their foundation in situations that I considered a success. Just because you once had it good does not mean that all good things must come from that past experience. Draw your inspiration from a better-imagined future. Your future, improved self should encourage you to keep coming until you become her. Now, that takes courage because it is more difficult to dream from a proven past than a possible future. Dreaming from the future uses creativity. An artist draws a picture based on what the picture will become, not on what already exists. Architects draw a plan using the inspiration of what the completed building will look like, not what it is now. At the moment it is just a plot of land. Letting go of the past allows you to come up with brand new, never before seen ideas. That’s how innovation happens. That’s how even though there had never been a plane, the Wright Brothers imagined that there could be one, and they invented it based on what it would become. Draw your inspiration from an improved, future state but remember that the actual work is built on your current circumstance. Your circumstance is the unchangeable place you find yourself in which you may consider to be good or bad. Read the previous post on Circumstances here Let go of option B This one is for the undecideds. When you have to make one choice from two or more possibilities, make the decision and let go of the other(s). Do not torture yourself by wondering if you made the right choice. Chances are both come with their own unique challenges as well as blessings anyway. Let go of dead conversations You know what it’s like when you think back to a previous conversation and end with “I wish I had said that instead?” Let go. There is no amount of rehashing of an old conversation that will result in a new outcome. Let go of old mindsets & customs I shared my journey by letting go of old mindsets and adopting new ones. I was able to embrace the new because I was willing to let go of the old. The result has been new experiences, new friendships and coming to new conclusions which have served me well. I daresay I am even experiencing new emotions which is surprising. Being in my forties, I thought by now I would have come upon every possible emotion. I was wrong. But you see, there wouldn’t have been room for the new if I still held on to the old. The world is in a constant state of change. New cultures and new groups of people are emerging which means we need to develop new language and ways of communication. It is tempting to want to live as though it were the good old days, but you will not be relevant if you don’t at least try to understand the new. Let go of expired relationships. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season. Then there are those who are meant to be there always, but you don’t have to walk side by side throughout your entire journey. Know the difference. Let go of people who are meant to be gone. Also, let go of the hand of that person walking by your side as we all journey at different paces. Holding their hand will slow you both down which will lead to frustration. I am embracing the importance of letting go of anything that does not move me forward. Releasing excess baggage will ensure you are always travelling light. I am pretty sure there is more to let go of, please share your thoughts!
You can’t change your circumstances
Your circumstance is an unchangeable situation you find yourself in. Ok, I know we believe that nothing is impossible for us and so on, but let me explain. I reached a game-changing truth; Circumstances are a default, unchangeable state. They do not have the ability to become better or worse. They just are. It’s like building the foundation of a house. The depth of the foundation depends on the type and height of the building. So if a foundation has been laid for a 2 story house, the builder cannot change his mind and build a skyscraper instead. He can fantasise about it and wish the foundation were deeper, but since it has already been laid, that can’t happen. Wishing for a different foundation won’t change the situation. Before I reached this understanding, I indulged in a fair amount of wishful thinking. I would sit and imagine how much easier things would be if the circumstance were ‘better’. If I had a cleaner and a nanny, I’d get more done. If I had investors, I’d grow my business faster. I have heard friends say the same- if only I was married, I’d have the support I need, if I was in excellent health I’d do XYZ. The truth? You cannot build on fantasies. You can only build on circumstances. Like the builder wishing the foundation were deep enough for a skyscraper, all you can do is imagine, which is a waste of your precious time. You build your business with your imagination while standing on your circumstance. Your imagination is a tool that you should use to create a complete picture. You can then work with your hands to make it show up in the physical. You cannot use an imaginary foundation to build the physical house you want. So, how can we use this truth to propel us forward? Recognise when you are dealing with a circumstance. You can either remove your dream from the location and birth it somewhere else, or you can accept things and do your best with it. An abusive relationship is a circumstance because no one has the power to change another. Note that there are situations that may be changeable, but you have to decide if the investment of time and energy is one that you are willing to put in. If you are unwilling to invest, accept the situation and start building. Stop trying to change your circumstance. Recognise that it is fixed, it is the land given to you to build on. I will even go as far as saying there are no good or bad circumstances. The foundation for a two-storey house isn’t bad just because it can’t be used for a skyscraper. Daydreaming is good, but use it for the possible and the desired. I won’t waste my time daydreaming about Sir Richard Branson knocking on my door to give me a check. It is impossible because, for starters, I don’t have a relationship with him. Sometimes we daydream to avoid the emotional toll that comes with planning and risk-taking. Be vigilant; when you start to daydream, get a grip. Daydreaming isn’t the same as problem-solving, it is escapism and won’t move you forward. Stop giving your circumstances power. A circumstance is an inanimate state with no power of its own. By using language such as ‘”if only this were different…” you are telling your mind that the circumstance has the power to loosen its grip on your neck, but has chosen not to. I shudder when I think about how deceptive it is to focus on changing what we can actually build on. Start by changing your mindset. Accept that what you have isn’t just good, but is the perfect set of circumstances for you to build on. I know there are real reasons why things don’t work out. There are situations that are not ideal for us to fulfil our mission, but is it possible that if we focus on what we have instead of what we lack that we will actually get more done? Thoughts, please!!! PS: I can’t wait to tell you about a different spin on Letting go, that’s the lesson I’m currently learning.
Wrong Mindset: Lies that depend on external factors
If you missed the previous post on wrong mindsets, head back to read it here. Your mindset is the foundation from which your thoughts are formed. If you have an incorrect one- which may be anything from a pre-conceived notion to a strong belief- it will certainly affect your actions and stir you in the wrong direction. The previous wrong mindsets were specific to internal sources, but there are those thoughts that are dependent on other people, places or things. Wrong Mindset #4: I must follow the beaten path I have had weird and wacky business ideas which I didn’t act on because no one else had done it. I believed there was a template I needed to follow so if my ideas were too unique, then it must not be valid. If this is you, stop. This mindset works hand in hand with the next one because chances are your friend will encourage you to follow the beaten path. I became cured of it over time as I uncovered the previous lies and met the acquaintance of the antidote, authenticity. Truth: You are a uniquely created being inspired by God. In other words, God dreamt and you came true. The practice of authentic living has been the single most impactful principle in my life to date. The day I understood that I was unique and different from every other person was the day I met the real Toks. You are a beautiful work of art. Do you know that you were not mass produced but made individually by hand? God set aside time to craft you. Your thoughts, personality, and ideas are yours alone. No one else thinks like you. Your fingerprint is proof of your one-of-a-kindness. So why force yourself into a cookie-cutter lifestyle? To be authentic is to live as the original, not a cheap knock-off version of you or someone else. Your authentic nature is proof that your ideas will be unique and in some cases, never seen before. So don’t head for the beaten path, create your own trail and blaze it. Wrong Mindset #5: I need other people’s approval as proof that I am doing the right thing. This next mindset was mine for many years. I even had to forgive myself for relying on friends and others to permit me to proceed. This lie does not use the word approval, as that would be too obvious. It shows up as harmless questions like “what do you think?” Or it may come up when you share something on social media and you don’t get the anticipated number of likes. I know, I’ve been there. The topic of people approval is one that I’m passionate about. I recently had to perform a rite of self-forgiveness because for years I had waited on my friends for their approval. Yes, it was that deep. This lie is embedded in the belief that you are not good enough to come up with your own ideas, so you toddle over to someone who has managed to convince you they are a better judge of what’s going on in your own life. This mindset is borne out of a lack of confidence. It may also come from not wanting to take responsibility for your life so you hand over the reins to someone else. Truth: Every dream comes with its own authority to be manifested. If you came up with the idea, that’s all the approval you need. What has God said about you and your gift? That word is what stands forever. His word is law. This lie can be turned on its head by knowing your purpose is God-given, not man-made and your allegiance is to God alone. Your friend or preferred guru does not share that responsibility. I will revisit the topic of wrong mindsets in the future as I uncover more, but in my next post, I will address my next a game-changing perspective that literally transformed the results of my work. Make sure you have signed-up to receive my newsletter so you don’t miss that. Also, if you are on social media, follow me at @toksaruoture where I dip my toe in the water with live broadcasts! Now, I need your help. I am working my way into being consistent and becoming a woman of my word. Blog posts will go out every Sunday. Will you pull me up if I fall? Thank you! Let me know what other mindsets you’ve come across that hold us back.
The Wrong Mindset: Lies that Hold us Back
The lesson on the wrong mindset started after I learned the truth about the effects of words we surround ourselves with. I wrote about that here. In a nutshell, the words you repeatedly hear, you will eventually believe. This led to extending the same principle to the thoughts we repeatedly think. I concluded that just because we subscribed to a generally accepted view did not make it healthy for us. So I started the business of unbelieving those mindsets which I called lies, because if it isn’t true, it’s a lie, right? For each lie, there is a corresponding truth which is what we should believe. Making an effort to believe the truth through meditation and affirmation knocks off the wrong mindset and replaces it with the correct one. The first one I shared a few weeks ago was “I know myself“. Over the next few weeks, I will share more of those mindsets, I invite you to add to the list in the comments box. Wrong Mindset #2 “I can’t because… I wanted to bring some business goals to pass but I had excuses which all started with “I can’t”- for example: “I can’t grow my business because I need funds to market it”. Or, “I can’t do my social media because I don’t have enough time.” If you spend enough time meditating on the truth that topples this lie, you will start to do what you once thought impossible. Bear in mind that I only ever share what I have actually experienced, so from my experience, this works. The Truth: I have all that I need to fulfil every dream that I carry. The truth released me to dig deep and uncover untapped resources so I could press forward with my plans. God has imbued you with everything you need to fulfil the purpose He created you for. A flower vase is not made with holes at the bottom, neither does a car which looks perfect on the outside lack an engine on the inside. Each has what is required for the purpose it is meant to fulfil, just like you do. Need your marketing done and you don’t have the funds to pay for it? How about trying your hand at it? You may not have a particular skill but you have the ability to learn. Sometimes we just have to dig deep to find we need because everything will not appear at our bidding. Wrong Mindset #3 “It is not supposed to be this way.” The trouble with this lie is that it sends a message to your brain that you are lacking some vital components so you can’t go to work until you get the memo that the problem has been rectified. The day I understood the futility of this mindset was when I asked myself a series of questions: “Toks, what if things will never change? What if this is it?” “I will throw myself in and make the best I can of life.” “So why don’t you just do that now?” Waiting for an imaginary, better future will not only delay you, but it will derail you. What’s more, waiting for things to improve can lead to paralysis, which leads to you justifying why you cannot take the next step. It’s a cycle that is difficult to break. The Truth: You are exactly where you’re supposed to be at this moment. The path you are travelling on was marked out by God himself and you have all you need to progress. I cannot count the number of times that adversity pushed me to start when everything appeared to stop, and the moment I started, just like clockwork, everything started to move too. Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it! ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe One way to break that cycle is to start moving, even when you don’t feel like it. This leads to Mindest #4 which is “I must follow the beaten path.” I will share this next week. The wrong mindset can affect how you live your life or run your business. Which of these resonates with you and how have you handled it? Subscribe to receive my newsletter so you don’t miss out on the next instalment!
Seasons of Life: Transitions
It’s been a while! I hope you are enjoying the lovely spring weather. I’ve been drawing parallels between the seasons of life and the weather and noticed I tend to see spring as a transitional season between winter and summer, as opposed to it being a season by itself. I don’t celebrate spring, and I should. I am quick to declare and rejoice at the end of winter- and do this for so long that before I know it, we are in summer. Perhaps this is due to my growing up in Nigeria where there are essentially two main seasons, rainy and dry. Actually, that isn’t strictly true, we also have harmattan which brings with it an early morning chill and a dry, dusty rest of the day. How do you deal with transitions? This view is similar to how I used to see transitional periods, the gap between seasons- like the space between a busy trading period and the next. In reality, that gap is a season in itself. You see, when you are going from one job into the next, or from one relationship to another, you don’t morph from one into the other without a break, do you? Most people have a break period and ideally choose to see the space between the two seasons as a season in itself. Even when it comes to switching jobs, you give yourself a couple of days or even weeks if you can. Transition is a season that requires its own time and attention, one that uses up energy and needs planning just like you would with any ‘real’ seasons of life. Transition is a season When we see that space as nothing but a stop gap, we miss out on the opportunity to rest and recharge. We lose the chance to gather the lessons the previous season was trying to teach us and we fail to collect the tools necessary to tackle the new phase we are about to step into. Just like you put away winter clothes- at least for those who live in a less erratic climate than we do here in Britain- we need to discard what we no longer need for the new season and take stock of what’s required. Currently, I’m in a season of transition. I have been bidding old mindsets adieu, and welcoming new ones. I can’t wait to share with you all I’ve uncovered about mindsets- specifically, mine. Fear shows up during transition One of the issues that have shown up in my life during transition has been fear. Fear’s main trait is paralysis. Two years ago I was about to take on a big and exciting project but found myself stuck and unable to begin. Through journaling, I uncovered a fear of leaving the familiar behind and stepping into a bigger space. I believe the reason fear was able to have a hold on me was that I did not mark out boundary lines which defined the transition period as a season in itself. Doing so allows you to come to terms with and gather the courage to step out of your comfort zone and into newness. How do you deal with transition? Do you acknowledge it as its own season? Do you use it to refresh and recharge or do you prefer to jump straight in? I’d love to know! Let’s connect on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram where I share tidbits of thoughts I have most mornings
