S P E C T R U M
Struggling to cope? Try to see life as a spectrum
On Perspectives
We had an old friend visit to have a bit of a moan about his other half. Actually it was more than a moan. It was an attack on her character and everything she stood for. She’d shared her side of the story and he had come to give his version. After all doesn’t the scripture say only a fool makes a judgement without listening to both sides? Now, I thought he was being unreasonable and was a downright liar, but I also recognised that it didn’t matter what I thought, what mattered to him was what he believed. His belief was his own reality and I had to operate and address him from a space in his own world. I learned that you can never understand a person until you are able to get into their skin, enter into their world and see things from their point of view. You can’t help or give your two cents if you don’t understand the problem.”Seek first to understand, then to be understood” is the fifth habit of highly successful people. I have since adopted that mindset when dealing with people. Good or bad, morally right or not, I try to speak to them from a place of their own reality. That’s the only way we can make some semblance of progress. One advantage of doing so is you are able to gain clarity as to whether it’s even worth carrying on the conversation, or simply leave them to live peacefully in the space of what they believe. The result was a peaceful conversation despite the vitriol in his words. We didn’t try to change his mind or get drawn into the mud slinging. It was clear he simply wanted to be heard, something I realised only after stepping into his world. I leave you with this quote from To Kill a Mocking Bird: “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view–until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” Atticus Finch I am passionate about learning life-lessons and I enjoy storytelling. Feel free to share this lesson with a friend or colleague and do let me know your thoughts!
Name it Joy
This reveals to us our own power to define our situation. Feelings of sadness do not necessarily mean you are in a sad place. Thoughts of scarcity does not mean you are lacking. We have the privilege and the power to name our state of affairs whatever we choose. When we fall into various trials, we can rename it a season of joy. Whatever we name or christen our situation to be is what our spirit, soul and body will interpret it to mean, and therefore act accordingly. I have chosen to call challenges, ‘Teacher’, because I have not been in a single trial where there wasn’t a lesson to be learned. Mind you, it’s a choice. Being a student is a choice and it is only when you put on that attitude of learning that you can be taught. In the past I have been through trials that were just that, trials. Now I know they were actually teachers but I just wasn’t a student at the time. An old Tao saying says ‘When the student is ready, the teacher will appear’. Currently, as I address the issue of fear in my life I have chosen to name it ‘Faithful Guard Dog’- because it never leaves my side. It is there to protect my interests and warn me which is great, but it isn’t the master, I am. I hear it barking, I feel it tugging at me to pull me away from the offending situation but I make the decision whether to advance or not. What are you dealing with this season? Rename it. Count it joy or peace or a teacher or a season of strengthening. There is nothing we will go through that we can’t handle. “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,” James 1:2 NKJV
For the woman who gives until there’s nothing left
On an airplane, we are told during the safety announcements to “put your mask on first before helping the person next to you”. This is because you will not be able to help others if you reach a point of low oxygen levels. This theory has been playing about in my mind and I thought about how we as women give and give until we are empty. The demands carry on so we give from our emptiness until our physical and emotional balance is in the red. I have heard and read opinions that say we need to reverse this trend but I didn’t take it seriously until now. Yesterday I started paying more attention to how I give to my household. I observed not as Toks, but as an unbiased third party having an aerial view of my life. This is what I saw. I saw this woman giving until there was nothing left. Then she convinced herself she could do more so she did. This happened over and over. I did not see her once stop to give to herself. I am emotional. Most women are wired that way. I give out of instinct and I give from my emotions so this morning I pondered on how to address the issue, because when I give until there’s no more and more demands are made I fall into the irritable and drained zone. I wondered if God made us that way and if he did, is it actually right for us to reverse our natural disposition? Surely if we were crafted as emotional beings with the instinct to give and deny ourselves, are we not meant to accept who we are and live like that? My soul heard this: “Life is about self discovery and navigation. We are handcrafted by the creator and there are kinks and knots in the intricacies of our emotions. Finding creative ways to undo the knots is part of the joy of living.” This morning I surprised myself as I said ‘no’ to a demand that was made on my time. I noticed the slight disappointment that followed as they realised they’d have to do it themselves, I also noticed myself starting to backtrack and then I said “stop, Toks.” I allowed myself to feel the discomfort of disappointing a loved one, the emotion lasted all of 39 seconds. I heard a whoosh as exhilaration swiftly followed behind that emotion and then it settled in my belly. Yes, the result of saying ‘no’ was a sweet feeling of contentment, self respect and joy. One knot was unraveled and I not only enjoyed the experience but at the end of it was pure joy. In addition, the time was mine to feed my soul with so I was able to write this- writing for me is pure oxygen. This is not the first time I have arrived at this bend in the road, I have been there many times but responded to the emotions of others. I didn’t know then that the discomfort was brief and joy was right behind it. Two years ago I learned not to live by my feelings; they are fleeting and are birthed in the soul. I choose to live from my spirit which is one with God. Maya Angelou said when you know better, you do better. I’m doing better. How about you, what kinks have you had to unravel lately? Are you wearing your oxygen mask?
Are you in Transition?
Could you be going through a transition? This morning whilst journaling I arrived at an epiphany. “For the last few days, I have felt a bit flat. The best way to describe it is having spent months climbing to the top of a mountain, staying there and enjoying the view, I suddenly awoke at the bottom of another mountain. I am reluctant to climb again and I feel deflated. I would rather turn back and go home. I understood as I wrote that I have come to the end of one journey and I am reluctant to begin the next phase. I also admitted to myself that my reluctance stems from 2 reasons: 1) I want to absolve myself of the responsibility of delivering the picture I have in my mind to the world. 2) I don’t want to go through the stress of climbing like I did previously. I just want to stay and enjoy the view. Here’s how I got out of it. I recognise now that the last few months have been about gathering the tools and weapons needed for this new phase. I am not the same person, I have grown. I am experienced, mature and equipped to travel this new path. If you are on the verge of starting something new, don’t stall. Start. You are ready. The last few years/months have been about this new phase. You have gathered all that you need to not only survive but to thrive as well. That picture you have of your future- it is your responsibility to deliver it. Just like it is a mother’s responsibility to bring into the world the baby she is carrying in her womb. No matter how painful labour is, she has to give birth. The last nine months were all about her body stretching and preparing for the process of birthing, emotionally and spiritually she was also being prepared. No one can nurture her child like she can. In the same way, no one can nurture your dream like you can. Furthermore, this new journey will be nothing like the last. It is not a repetition of past challenges. This is a brand new season for a brand new you to seize. On the subject of repetition, I learned years ago to stop looking back and joining the dots of my previous challenges. Choose instead to see each one as separate and unrelated, yet they all have been sent to train and equip you for where you stand today. Finally, celebrate the end of the last journey. Mark it so that your spirit, soul, and body recognise that it is finished. Transition is a phase in itself and time and energy need to be allocated to it.
Inspiration from 90
The number 90 has been a motivator for me this week. I learned that the founders of the crowdfunding platform, Indiegogo, approached venture capitalists 90 times before receiving funding. Today, Indiegogo is worth ‘several hundred millions of dollars’ according to Forbes and has helped raise millions more for businesses. I started a project last week, it’s the second time and in a year that I’ll attempt it as the first time I did not obtain the results I set out to, got discouraged and quit. So here I was one year later dealing with familiar thoughts of it fizzling out just like the last one did. I received an email which would determine if what I feared was what had happened. I was driving when the email popped up so didn’t read it until I arrived at my destination. In the short 4 minutes between receiving the email and opening it, I had played out various negative scenarios in my head. And then coached myself back into a positive place by reminding myself disappointment is merely a human emotion that’s passing by, I was to embrace it briefly and keep on moving. I recognize that I don’t fear negative scenarios, it is the negative emotion I dread. Then the number ’90’ popped up in my head. And I smiled, 90 times. I had only attempted this twice with a ridiculously large one year gap in between, Indiegogo tried one project 90 times. That really perked me up and helped to readjust my thinking. Embrace disappointment; in it is the fuel required to try until you succeed. Why did Indiegogo’s story affect me positively? After all, we’ve heard about Einstein trying 1000 times, JK Rowling being rejected gazillion times and even Oprah and Steve Jobs have had their fair share of disappointments. It’s because Indiegogo is a company I can relate to. They started with nothing but a dream that at least 89 people didn’t believe in and today they are where they want to be. It is easier to empathize with or be inspired by a person going through something you’ve been through. I don’t know what it’s like to have my work rejected by publishers 100 times, although I do draw lessons and encouragement from JK’s story, it is even more powerful when it’s someone or a scenario I can relate with. If you haven’t done so, research personalities or companies that are similar to yours and use them for inspiration, it doesn’t have to be a famous story either. I am currently drawing inspiration from Michelle Obama because I read a quote that spoke to me in an area I was dealing with at that particular time. She is a beautiful black woman with high career and family ambitions like I have which is why she inspires me. Inspiration is all around us, grab one as it passes by! Have a truly blessed week!
