Interview with Urban Synergy
Eight years ago I created my first vision board. I wasn’t sure if it would be as effective as the writer of the article suggested it would, but I had nothing to lose. At the very least, it created a space to escape to while I was sticking pictures of dream homes in dream cities on along with favourite restaurants I dreamed of eating at without consideration of the cost. \ In creating the board, the question I was answering was, what do you want your like to look like? I added in a picture of kids in a classroom. As a mum of four boys, the one thing I desperately want my children to know if that their dreams do not have a ceiling. That desire spilled into all children. I was blessed to have been raised in an environment that celebrated my gifts and assured me I could go as far as I wanted, but I was also aware even from a young age that not all kids had that. A month after creating that vision board, I met the founder, Leila Thomas at a business awards ceremony. I told her my Rock Star Story (`Episode 2 of my podcast) and she immediately invited me to join her organisation. It turned out to be Urban Synergy, an award-winning mentoring charity that helps young people engage with role models who look like them. I am honoured to have been interviewed for Black History Month, please visit Urban Synergy Mentoring to donate or volunteer as a mentor.
More Life Hacks for the Entrepreneurial Woman
Life Hack: Build Your Community Being a woman in business comes with its share of challenges, but we can always tap into our superpower to help us navigate them. In this episode, #16 of the Living Inside Out Podcast, I share four tips for the new female business owner to help her win at life and business. As a new female business owner, I wanted to do it all. Because I thought I could. So I built my first website in 2008 when website building was like neurosurgery. I share about that in the first and second episodes of the podcast. Like most start-up business owners, I did everything myself, but wasn’t masterful in all departments. There is a saying in business that goes you can’t work on your business while working in your business. Take out time to zoom out of your business so you can make an informed decision about what needs to be done. You will find that you need help. From babysitting to having a shoulder to cry on and having someone to bounce business ideas off, your community is the one place that you should feel safe and comfortable requesting for help. You have got to create that community, using your intuition and the relationships you currently have. Also, be open to new friendships. Another business woman’s hack is to build your business network Business Hack: Network for Business Don’t run to every networking event you are invited to because you will burn out. Instead, be intentional about being in places where you can build community and grow in. Have a clear understanding of your audience and go where they are. You will; connect with the right people if you are authentic. In my early days, I believed I needed to be someone that my clients could relate to. But I soon found out about the power of authentic living. It is a force that breaks down barriers so you can connect with real individuals- how else will you know what they need? Or that you have something to offer them? Episode 3 goes into details about the concept of authentic living. Eventbrite is great for finding events. Meet Up is also a good option. Explore business networking organisations like Athena, which is specific to Women Entrepreneurs and BNI. These groups have chapters all over the country, BNI has chapters all over the world. Usually, the expectation of your commitment level is quite high so think before joining these weekly meeting groups. Life Hack: Know what’s on your plate For a number of years, I hosted learning brunches. They were designed to equip us and elevate us by feeding the spirit soul and body. I really enjoyed them and still get people asking when I’ll be resuming them. The year I opened the shop, I scheduled a brunch event. I did not understand that I had taken on a sizeable task that required a lot of my time and energy. I ended up cancelling the event because I just didn’t have the bandwidth to carry on. I learned a lesson. You cannot keep adding things to your already full plate, just because you can do it doesn’t mean you should attempt to do it all. I get asked how I find the time to run my baby furniture company, record this amazing podcast- your words, not mine, tend to my family and start a coaching business too. Here’s how; A few years ago I figured out what my purpose was, which is to use my voice to help women play bigger. I understood that there Is nothing on earth that’s more important than fulfilling one’s purpose; it is, after all, the sole reason we were created. Your purpose must tick two boxes; glorify God, help others and a third- it grows you in the process. So I placed my voice and message in the middle of my plate and arranged portions of everything else around it. This allows me to spend time with my family, record the Living Inside Out Podcast and grow a second career as a speaker and mindset strategist – without being stressed. Life Hack: Start the night before: I believe the best start to a good day begins the night before. Planning your day ahead works wonders, and gratitude cannot be overrated. Go to bed each night with three things that you are grateful for. Even better if you write them down. This helps to eliminate any lies that say you are not enough. Gratitude opens our eyes to the things we have, and the opposite, which is being oblivious to what you’ve been blessed with will lead you to focus on what you don’t have. This causes discontentment and neediness AND will have you chasing after things instead of making choices that produce results. Another tip by my coach, Valorie Burton who is a bestselling author and life strategist is to have one thing to look forward to tomorrow. I want to end with an illustration I learned from Penny Power years ago. A candle is made up of two parts, the flame and the wax. The flame represents your passion, that which you do so effortlessly, it even infuses you with energy as opposed to drains you. The wax represents that part you do not enjoy. In my case its admin but both admin and speaking engagements are needed for my business function. What may be wax to you is a flame to someone else. This means that my admin and paperwork that I dislike so much is busy giving energy and life and joy to someone else. This little illustration really helped me to stop beating myself up because I am struggling to complete a project. What life or business hacks have you used that works wonders? Please share either in the box below or on social media. To subscribe to the Living Inside Out Podcast, click the subscribe button on your podcast player. And if you are new
Digging for Answers
In the previous episodes, we looked at how our environment feeds us, and we zeroed in on the role of friends in our life. Now because we are made up of spirit, soul and body, it follows that we are being fed not just from the outside, but from our spirit and our mind. How do you know where to receive advice from if your mind is saying one thing and your spirit is saying something else? The mind gives instructions in several ways, but emotions are the most obvious. The spirit also gives instructions using such tools like our intuition. When we decide out of fear, for example, we are following the leading of our mind. In the same way, intuition can guide us in the right direction. The spirit is the part of you that has always existed; it is alive and connected to God. Your soul is the container for your mind, this is where we experience emotions, and more, and the body is the physical part of you. I believe our spirit carries the highest calling for our life, and it is embedded with our gifts and assets and well as our purpose. Instruction from your spirit Ever found yourself doing something that made no logical sense, but you just had to do it, and it worked out? That was probably your intuition- this is one of the functions, if you like, of your spirit man. I rely on intuition when it comes to hiring staff or working with suppliers. If I sense a question mark, no matter how perfect you seem, I don’t even stay long enough to figure out what the issue is. Each time I ignored my spirit’s warning, I have paid for it. And if you’re a Christian, then you’d know that the spirit of God also guides your decision making in a way that’s difficult to explain to others. Instructions from the mind. Your ideas are designed to become a thing. Still, if you live with the wrong mindsets or your emotions are leading you, chances are, you will be a carrier of ideas and not a doer. Several factors stop us from taking action. Feelings like fear top the list, then you’ve got to drill down to find out what type of fear it is. When I started my business here in England, I faced several obstacles. I had to overcome getting manufacturers to agree to me selling their products in the first place. I spent time navigating objections, and before long, I became pretty good at turning a no into a yes. Changing the minds of these manufacturers became a challenge I set, and each time I won, I’d feel a false sense of accomplishment. My intention- without meaning to, shifted from building a business to winning this challenge. If your project doesn’t seem to be yielding results, the obstruction is probably in your mind. The ideas your spirit carries comes with a desire to be physically expressed. Ideally, it should be expressed through work, but often we choose to talk about it. Instructions from your body I have tried and failed to get my body to the place I want and understand now that I’d been looking at ways in which I could change the outside. For me to have a different outside, the inspiration and change will have to come from the inside. It helps to have an intrinsic reason for toning up and getting fit, my belief on the inside will no doubt spill on to the external, and I’ll get myself to the gym. And stay there. So I came up with a list of deeper reasons to tone up, and this will help you if you need a compelling reason too: A fit body will increase my confidence as I know my clothes fit well. Confidence will help me take steps I’d rather avoid. Fulfils the goal of the physical appearance of my future self. By exercising now, I am becoming that successful, healthy woman. Fitness allows me to accomplish more as I’ll have more energy physically. I don’t want my active mind to be trapped in a body that cannot carry out those ideas. My fourth deeper reason is that by exercising, I show myself who is boss- me, not my flesh with its craving. Me, my spirit. The real me, I’m the one in charge. Your body exists to do the bidding of your spirit and not the other way around. Too often, we live for the cravings and impulses of our body, and we respond to it as though it is the boss. Believe the mind Is the engine room of our lives. Exercising a body that would rather laze around brings you full circle, it makes you the physical version of the picture engraved on the palms of God’s hands. Instructions can either come from your spirit, which is your highest self, your soul which is the engine room, or your body, which is designed to follow commands- and not to give them. I believe the instructions from your spirit are the most reliable and most fulfilling. Dig deep enough and you will find the answers waiting. References: What I know for Sure by Oprah Winfrey Episode 3 The Practice of Authentic Living John 16:13 When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future. The Holy Bible, NLT
How to Make and Keep Good Friends
Narcissism. I watched Jada Pinkett smith’s red table talk where she had a psychologist as a guest. Dr Ramani Durvasula shared the traits of a narcissist and In the spirit of becoming a better friend to my friends, I found myself hoping I’m not a narcissist. We think of someone who is so self-absorbed that they make everything about them, and while I don’t think I do, I did check a box or two while watching the programme. In the end, I concluded that I need to stay on that path to becoming a better, less self-absorbed person generally. I truly believe we were created to fulfil a specific purpose on earth. And purpose has to tick two boxes. One, glorify God and two, help others. And in the process of living out your purpose, you are transformed into the person worthy of carrying it. Whatever your purpose is, you have everything you need inside you to fulfil it. My favourite example of purpose is Nick Vujicic of Life Without Limbs. He was born with no arms or legs yet daily he fulfils his purpose of breaking barriers and crossing boundaries to lead people to the love of Christ that he has experienced. Nick has reached countries in a way that many haven’t. We cannot deny that what many will call impossible, he has managed to do, missing limbs notwithstanding because he has all he needs inside him. So when we think that what we need to thrive in our purpose, we already carry inside us, we also need to believe that we are surrounded by physical resources to help us fulfil it. One of those resources is the friends you keep. In the previous hot episode of Toxic Friendships, we looked at examples of how the wrong person in your life can sabotage your growth, for example. In the same vein, the right people can help you in phenomenal ways. Episode 11 was about the Value of a good friend and I shared three examples of friends that have been instrumental in where I stand today. So how can we attract the right people in our lives? Let’s look at why you must have good friends. First of all, your environment feeds your mind. You cannot underestimate the rate of absorption by the mind. The mind takes in information you are not even aware is present. If you are serious about personal growth and mindset changes, you have got to cull your environment. Know who is saying what and when they are most likely to say it. Curate Your Environment Years ago during the recession I was navigating a fledgling business and trying to stay positive in the process when I got a call; “Toks, you came to mind because I wanted to know how business was doing.” “Well, every day we keep pushing forward. Anyway we are coming to the end of the recession so our only option is going up from here.” “No, haven’t you heard? It’s about to get worse!” “Well even if it does, I don’t think my industry is badly affected.” “Ah Toks, in fact they have said its your specific market that will be hurt the most.” I started sweating. She was gaining ground. “I continued weakly, well, even if that’s the case, one day it will end.” “Yes of course it will, but the question is will you survive until then? Do you have a plan B?” She won. I didn’t have a plan B. I didn’t know what I’d do if the business folded. I had tried not to think about it but this woman brought it firmly to my attention. So the next time there was a crisis and she called, I sent her to my voicemail. I typically do this when in a vulnerable place and trying to stay grounded. You have to know what conversations to hold with whom and when. On the other hand, if you have friends that constantly remind you of your abilities you cannot see, you are in good company. Because while I believe we should make decisions and draw conclusions from our spirit, which is one with God, we sometimes reach for our emotions to affirm us. So if I don’t feel capable, I might not attempt the task. You need friends who can see your brilliance and describe it to you when you’re in the dark. That person doesn’t have to be a friend, it can be a mentor or a coach, your spouse or even a coworker. Good Friends are an Extra Pair of Eyes (and hands) Another reason you need good friends is they can point out obstacles on your path before you see them. They can be an extra pair of eyes for you. I have stories of when friends warned me about a danger I couldn’t see. Back in secondary school, my friend Ifeayinwa once whispered an examination tip to me. It was maths exam and our teacher famously made all the correct answers except one, C. It was multiple choice with options A to E. Of Course if you found all your answers were C, you’d be thrown off at how ridiculous it was. So my friend walked past me to get some paper and whispered to each of us- her friends, as she went past “numbers 1 to 7 C!” In boarding school, there were times my friends warned me about a plot by a senior or staff member to punish our class or hostel so we all had the opportunity to escape. Good Friends Help You Fight Good friends can help you fight when you are weak. Fighting can mean looking after you when you are ill or bereaved, speaking up for you in your absence or making you look good when you don’t. Be the Friend You want to Have Living from the inside out will lead you to connect with the right people. Last year I began to desire a different type of circle of friends. I have my ride or die chicks, and
Toxic Friendships: Six Types of Friends to Avoid
Did you know that the people in your circle influence the decisions you make? Taking time to inspect your environment and how it is feeding you is crucial, and your relationships form a large part of your environment. In this episode I share, some of my experiences with friendships that have had a limiting effect on me. The stories are true but the names are fictitious. You may find some of these rates in a relative, co-worker or even yourself- as I did. Toxic Friend #1 Passive-Aggressive Porsha My first Porsha was in secondary school. The day the friendship came to an end was when she borrowed my shoes and refused to give them back. I demanded that they are returned and she threw them at me in anger. In all fairness, we were only 12 or 13 so you can just imagine these little people squabbling 🙂 I was made to feel guilty for requesting that which was rightfully mine. Emotional manipulation is one of the traits of the passive-aggressive friend. The second Porsha had a habit of putting me down in public, and she would do so with a joke. She would wrap an insult neatly inside a joke so that everyone else saw the joke and laughed, but I felt the sting of the insult. So it wasn’t obvious to anyone that she was hurting my feelings. I was in my thirties and we had been friends for a long time. Toks you need to be more gracious. I told myself. More accepting. More mature. The friendships that had been modelled for me, were simply beautiful. My mum has always had strong, kindhearted and admirable women as friends and I was only ever exposed to healthy friendships. The loyalty and love between them filled the space they were in. I have never heard my mum get into a verbal exchange with her friends. Her friends were my aunties and I felt safe with them. So when Porsha number two started her antics- usually in front of a crowd of mutual friends, I thought I simply needed maturing. But life and its challenges can have a clarifying effect on our mind. The day my mind cleared up was the day I ended the friendship. I had been through my storm and was making my way out when I thought, I have enough attack coming from situations I have no control over, and you, I can control. So no more. I wrote a poem and posted it on my blog- I used to write a blog back then called Pawpaw and Mango which was a puree of crazy funny life as a mum and hopeful entrepreneur. So long dear friend. Its been a long ride but the bus stops here.It’s the toxic fumes of constant sarcasm. The poisonous gases of derision and ridicule.Then there’s the pungent smell left after a jibe meant to embarrass.I hope I didn’t bore you during our ride. I hope I was a blessing and in some way positively impacted your life.I hope when we do meet again time would have bred respect in place of familiarity.I hope when we meet again we can still be friends. That part about familiarity was one that stood out. I believe she was taking me for granted and had no respect for me because she knew me too much- and not because I had secrets that I didn’t want to be revealed, but it was because if you have insecurities and you get close to your target, you notice the ordinariness of them and your goal becomes to tear them down so you stop feeling less. People like Porsha carry a sense of insecurity and they use others as a step stool to lift themselves higher. In other words, they have a mindset that tells them they are inferior to others, so they try to level the playing field by bringing others down so they can feel superior. It would be years later before I met a third Porsha. This one, I didn’t see coming. I would go as far as saying she concealed that aspect of her character until I got comfy enough to let my guard down. Smart girl, but soon the jibes started. It looked eerily familiar and this time, I wasn’t here for that so I ended the friendship. I did some research into this particular type of toxic friendship and came across an interesting article by Professor Preston Ni. One of the traits he named was Disguised Verbal Hostility. Sounds very much like my second and third Porsha. Here’s a real example- “wow Toks, your hair looks nice today, what’s going on?” Or, “Are you okay? You look stressed.” One day I got a phone call- she’d seen me in town but we missed each other. It was a wonderful day. I was having a good one. And her conversation was; “I just saw you, you looked worried. What’s the matter?” I was actually happy. But those words caused me to feel so uncomfortable. Another trait that Prof. Ni mentions is victimhood. This surprised me because I wouldn’t have named that a passive-aggressive trait. Once, I spent two hours listening to her woes. I was frustrated because she rejected any suggestions to think or see things differently. All my encouragement didn’t help. She didn’t even let me get a word in. She was incredibly draining and I felt she had vomited over me. I still dodge when I see her in my local Tesco. In line with my father’s belief that people are basically good, I believe there are people who can be really good friends with these women, and even help them overcome their insecurities, but I wasn’t the one. So I never dismiss people who are toxic to me, I don’t see them as hopeless, or bad, I just let them go so that the persons meant to connect with them can find them. Toxic Friend #2 Opinionated Olivia Since friendships are made up of two
The Power of Small Mistakes
We have all been there, how one seemingly tiny error ends up setting everything on fire. In 2013, Justine Sacco tweeted a racist comment before boarding a 12 hour flight to South Africa. At the time she was a PR exec for a large company. What made Justine’s tweet different from all the others who have made mistakes, was the spectacular way in which the ensuing events played out. You see, thousands of feet above the ground, she was blissfully unaware of the fire that was burning as a result of the single match she struck. Not only did the ‘Twitterverse’ go nuts, but her employers released a press release to announce the termination of her job. By the time she landed in SA, the ‘world’ was waiting to watch her reaction as she discovered what she had done- including the fact that she was now unemployed. Then there was Mark Fuhrman, former LAPD detective, called in to testify in the O.J Simpson trial. His little fires consisted of two questions which led the jury to believe he was racist and that he most likely planted evidence against O.J Simpson, thereby placing him at the murder site. One question asked if he had used racist slurs in the ten years prior to which he replied in the negative. But tapes soon emerged of him using slurs repeatedly. The second question inquired if he had planted evidence to incriminate the defendant and he chose not to respond. This, of course, led them to believe he most likely did, and the prosecution lost the case. It is said that the case hung by the thin thread of Mark Fuhrman and as we know, O.J is free today. I confess that I don’t know if he did it or not, but that’s neither here nor there. Let’s not forget Derek Chauvin who has caused one of the biggest fires in the United States and beyond in recent times. A single thought to kneel on George Floyd’s neck was the spark that set things ablaze. The result was a dead man and worldwide protests still in full swing as I write this. This fire has also done some good, which is to raise awareness of the fact that black lives have not mattered, and they do. The hashtag, #blacklivesmatter has thankfully been one of the most used, if not the most, which is a small step towards social equality and justice. In fact, the protests led to the eventual arrests of the four police officers but even better, is the increasing awareness by non-blacks, of the injustice faced by black people. Throughout history, we see how a matchstick can set a forest on fire. Whether it’s a single word, a social media post or a seemingly irrelevant opinion, it would appear that the little balls of fires, not the great ones wreak the most havoc. I believe mindsets and beliefs act as receptors just waiting for the right opportunity or the fuel to set things ablaze. But not all fires come to destroy, some come to clear a path for you to go on to greatness as it did for Steve Harvey when he announced Miss Columbia as the winner of the Miss Universe Pageant in 2015. Mr Harvey chose to walk back figuratively and physically to correct his mistake, at the risk of burning his career. Think about it. This was a major global event that was being watched by millions in every country, and he made history by announcing the wrong name. But he had options. He could have silently let the PR people take care of the mistake, he could have blamed it on the staff who told him to ‘announce the next name’ or that the print on the cards was small. But Steve Harvey believed the price of integrity, which was costly, was worth more to him and he chose that over his reputation. He went back to rectify his mistake. That little fire ended up burning a trail for him which has led to greater things in his career. I believe there is a pivotal moment when a fire has been lit, where if you act quickly enough, you can change the course of things. But to do so, you have to make a decision ahead of time to do one of these three things: 1. Practice Patience: Wait for the urge to pass. Fires are often lit by our tongues. The words we say or tweet expose our thoughts. And thoughts are not reliable, so if a fleeting thought begins to make its way out of your mouth- or keyboard, patience can stop it in its tracks. Our emotions are actions yet to be manifested and sometimes the action we take isn’t congruent with the situation, or with what we are feeling. I say this because acting on your emotions is natural, but if you don’t practice patience, you will do or say something damaging before allowing the impulse to die out. 2. Know your mindsets- and uproot the wrong ones. Mindsets are receptors waiting for the right moment to cause an explosion. The wrong word spoken by your boss. The ideal situation for a crisis. You cannot change or control external occurrences, but you have power over your own response. There are people who say things just to watch you react badly. You know them. The button pushers. We all have them in and around our lives. Knowing who they are and the effect they can have on you- especially when you are in a particular emotional state, is necessary. There are family members I start to forgive before they even arrive at my house, because I know the type of energy they come with. 3. Decide to Practice Humility Choose integrity over popularity and admit your mistake, just like Steve Harvey did. In episode 6 of the Living Inside Out podcast, I talk about emotional decision making. The pain of humility is what will
